It wasn’t working, and I didn’t know why.

I thought I’d made all the right connections, but apparently my wires were crossed. From the outside, things looked fine. There was still some spark, still signs of life. But deep down, something wasn’t connecting the way it should.

Don’t get me wrong, it bothered me, but I simply didn’t know how to fix it and didn’t know if I even had the energy to try.

The brand-new radio I’d installed in my boat worked great the first few times my wife, Carolyn, and I went sailing, but now it flashed a cheery yet alarming: “Miswiring Warning – Malfunction Alert.” Without a fix, we’d still be sailing, but without the music.

WHEN THE MUSIC FADES (OR STOPS ALL TOGETHER)

As I stared at that error message, it hit me: this is exactly what is happening in a lot of marriages. They still show signs of life. They are still functional and look good on the outside. But the music, the spark, the fun has gone quiet.

WHERE DID ALL THE FUN GO?

Most marriages don’t lose the spark of fun in some big, dramatic blowout. It’s usually more of a slow fade.

The relationship and the marriage start out great, full of exploration, new experiences, surprises and lots of shared laughter. Then…life happens. Work schedules. Laundry piles. School drop-offs. Delight gets replaced by duty and fun gets traded for function.

And because you’re still “working” as a couple, paying bills, raising kids, managing the household, you don’t always notice you’ve stopped having fun together.

Then, one day, you realize the music has stopped, and the dashboard of your marriage is silently blinking - “Miswiring Warning – Malfunction Alert.”

And you have no idea why.

WHY FUN MATTERS MORE THAN YOU THINK

I won’t get into all the charts, statistical models, and research methods here, but the evidence is clear: fun in marriage isn’t just optional, it’s essential. Psychologists Kurtz and Algoe (2015) found that shared laughter is a strong marker of relationship health. Aron, Norman and Heyman (2000) discovered that couples who participate in novel, exciting activities together report higher satisfaction and closeness. And as University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill psychologists Danielle Weber and Donald Baucom note, while the early “honeymoon” months are typically the happiest, reality quickly creeps in, careers, kids, and finances, all of which can drain the joy if couples aren’t intentional about keeping it alive.

IT'S EASIER THAN YOU THINK!

Carolyn and I spent hours on the water, sailing without music, mocked by the flashing blue light telling us we had a problem and that something was miswired.

Then one day, I decided to do something about it.

I went to one of the two surface-mounted speakers, reached behind, and switched the terminal to which each wire was connected.

Instantly, the music began to play.

I was happy but also felt a little silly. It turned out that the solution was far easier than I had imagined, and we could have been sailing with music the whole time if I had made one simple adjustment.

QUICK FIXES IF YOUR WIRES ARE CROSSED

Obviously, fixing a broken marriage isn’t always as easy as switching a couple of wires. Yet, many of us are living without music in our marriages, and the fix for crossed wires might be easier than you think. Here is a quick guide for adding some fun to your marriage:

1. MEASURE & ASSESS – talk about where your marriage is at. Is it fun? Is the music playing? Or have routines and obligations short-circuited the fun? Ask: ‘on a scale of 1 – 10, how fun is our marriage and on the same scale, how fun would you like it to be?’

2. ADD NOVELTY – new experiences light up the brain and bond people together. This is why even small changes make a difference. Switch the wires. Do something different. Try a new restaurant, learn to dance from YouTube, and drive a different street. Do stuff you’ve never done before!

3. DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING MOMENTS – catch your spouse off guard. Surprise them. Do something they didn’t see coming and didn’t expect. Wash their vehicle for them. Cook a nice candlelit dinner when they were expecting leftovers. Take them on a surprise date. Leave a sticky note with a word of encouragement. Shake off the expected with the unexpected.

4. MINI BURSTS OF FUN - Fun doesn’t have to mean full-blown vacations. It can be a shared inside joke, a goofy selfie, a quick dance in the kitchen while the pasta boils.

5. MATCH YOUR FREQUENCIES - Your idea of fun may not be your partner’s. Talk about what actually energizes you both. Playing board games when one of you hates them isn’t bonding, it’s torture. Or, alternatively, silence your frequency in honour of your spouse. In this case you might play the board game, keeping your opinions to yourself, just to surprise and bless your partner.

6. CREATE NEW RHYTHMS –If your days are stuck on the same loop, intentionally build in fresh patterns that make connection a habit, not an afterthought. This could be a daily connection talk after the kids go to bed, a weekly breakfast date, a nightly walk, or a yearly trip. Think of it as setting your marriage to a beat that both of you can dance to, predictable enough to count on, but flexible enough to stay interesting.

KEEP THE MUSIC PLAYING

If the music deck of your marriage is flashing a “Miswiring Warning – Malfunction Alert,” don’t panic, it happens to all of us. And don’t assume it means you need a total rebuild. Yes, sometimes those warnings point to deeper issues, and it’s wise to explore them with the help of a mentor, pastor, coach, or counselor. But my boat experience was a good reminder: sometimes what feels like a major failure can be fixed with just a small adjustment. In my case, the music came back simply by switching a couple of wires. Maybe you and your spouse have just forgotten how essential fun is. If so, it’s time to reconnect those wires, and get the music playing again.

FUEL & SPARK:

Q: What’s one thing you used to enjoy together that you haven’t done in a long time? Why did it stop?

Q: What small, quick change could you make this week that might reintroduce laughter or playfulness?

Q: Do you actually know what your spouse finds fun right now? How can you make sure your idea of fun matches theirs?

Q: If you could add one small, repeatable rhythm to your week that would make space for connection, what would it be?