A couple of years ago, a buddy and I headed out for a day of deer hunting. We drove to a favorite spot, parked the truck, and began hiking deep into the woods along a muddy, deeply rutted road filled with massive frozen puddles.

## FROZEN IN A RUT

About 30 minutes into our walk, we stumbled upon a 4x4 SUV, sunken to the bumpers in the mud. The deep ruts had swallowed it whole, water surrounded it, and it was hopelessly frozen into a massive block of ice. There it sat—stuck, immobile, forgotten.
Sadly, that’s an all-too-accurate picture of many marriages today. Lost in the woods. Frozen in place. Trapped in a deep, hard-to-escape rut.

## FIVE RUTS COUPLES GET STUCK IN

There are as many ruts that couples get themselves stuck in but here are five of the most common.  Maybe you will see yourself in one of these.

1.	You’re Operating on Autopilot!   Daily routines have replaced intentional connection.  There is no additional fuel or spark being added to the relationship.  It’s maintaining but certainly not going anywhere.  You’ve stopped pursuing one another.  You’ve turned into pleasant roommates but the words wonder, romance, passion, curiosity and adventure are absent from your marriage.  You’re flying on autopilot and you’ve forgotten where you are going.

2.	You're Keeping Score!  If this is your rut, you and your spouse have the ability to recall every word, hurt and disappointment as if it happened yesterday.  In many cases, it was something that happened years or even decades ago but was never dealt with.  Grudges, silent scorecards, and past wrongs are weighing the relationship down. Grace has been replaced by a need for justice and fairness.

3.	You're Avoiding Hard Conversations!  You fear conflict more than you fear stagnation. So instead of growing through friction, you settle for false peace.  You have both silently signed a pact as peacekeepers rather than peacemakers.  You are too afraid to risk stirring the pot or rocking the boat.  What you don’t realize is that the greatest moments of connection, intimacy, and closeness lie on the other side of well-managed conflicts and hard conversations.

4.	You’ve Stopped Having Fun Together!  Laughter, play, and light-heartedness are gone. Your friendship has been replaced by function.  One-week grinds into the next.  One-month blurs into the following one without any playful adventures, ‘didn’t see that coming’ moments, romance, effort, passion or shared experience that have you experiencing new things together.  A marriage without fun is on life-support and in serious need of a heart-transplant to bring back the wonder!

5.	You're Not Prioritizing Your Marriage. Work, kids, hobbies, church—even ministry—have crowded out your connection. The marriage is in the leftovers pile.  You feel taken for granted and so does your spouse.  You have a few fond memories, long ago, when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and wanted to spend every waking moment together.  Those days are gone and you have never bothered to reclaim them.  You have assumed this is just what happens.  But it doesn’t have to!

## THE DAY JESUS’ BRIDE GOT STUCK

The Bible often describes the church—the global body of believers—as the Bride of Christ. And in Revelation 2:4-5, Jesus confronts His bride with a sobering truth:

“But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first.”

What a powerful call to action! A divine invitation to break free from the rut.

Jesus offers three clear steps:
1. Remember what you once had.
2. Repent—turn away from the habits and attitudes that caused you to drift.
3. Return to the intentional acts of love that once sparked passion and connection.

## DO SOMETHING TODAY

Listen—those ruts can swallow your marriage whole.
Don't assume it will magically get better if you recognize even one of them in your relationship today. It won’t. It takes intentionality. It takes effort. And yes, it might even take a little intensity.

So don’t wait. Take one small action today. Then another tomorrow. And don’t stop until you and your spouse are back on the road—moving forward together, full of purpose, passion, and possibility.

Your next adventure together is waiting.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: Do you and your spouse recognize any of these ruts threatening your marriage?  Which one’s?  Which do you need to escape first?

Q: Have you replaced friendship and intimacy with function?  If so, what is one fun, light-hearted, slightly adventurous experience you could plan to do together this week?

Q: What is a ‘first love’ action, attitude or activity you used to do but don’t anymore?  Can you identify something you need to get back to doing again in order to protect your marriage from a rut?

If you are interested in receiving our weekly Fuel & Spark eNewsletter with inspiration for your marriage, you can sign up right [here!](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)

Is your marriage stuck in a rut? Uncover five subtle patterns that keep couples stagnant—and how to get moving again.

5 Reasons Your Marriage is Stuck!

Founder & Copilot

You’d think words are like Mount Rushmore—carved in stone, fixed forever. But they’re more like islands—shifting, tilting, sometimes flipping upside down over time.

Take cupboard, for instance. In the late 1300s, it simply meant a flat board for placing cups. Over centuries, the board moved up onto walls, got doors to hide the mess, and today we know this cabinet on the wall as a cupboard.

Or consider bully. In 1538, calling someone a bully meant they were your sweetheart. By the early 1900s, Teddy Roosevelt used bully to mean “superb.” Now, it describes someone who picks on the weak.

Words don’t stay still—they evolve.

That brings us to hack. In the 12th century, it meant to chop something roughly. Later, it described a bad cough or a second-rate handyman. Then came the digital age, where hackers were online intruders.

But in recent years, hack has flipped again—now it often means a clever, improvised solution. A shortcut. A smart fix.

## SOME OF OUR FAVOURITE HACKS

Carolyn and I have a few favorite hacks we use all the time.

For example, we have a classic garage problem: in our tight space, it’s hard to tell how far to pull in. Thankfully, we found a simple fix. We drilled a screw into a tennis ball, tied it to a string, and hung it from the ceiling so it lines up with the center of the windshield. Now, when the tennis ball gently taps the glass, we know we’re parked perfectly—every time. Problem solved.

Here’s another one I use every few weeks. I’m heading out the door, only to realize my dress shoes look dull, dusty, and scuffed—but I don’t have time to polish them. The hack? A quick spray of cooking oil and a fast buff with a paper towel. They shine like new. Problem solved—unless your dog thinks your shoes now smell like dinner.

## A 10-SECOND HACK FOR SOLVING CONFLICT

In most marriage conflicts, it feels like each spouse is standing on opposite sides of a wall. That wall does two things: it protects us from the other person’s words—and it highlights how differently we each see the situation.

Often, we’re either lobbing verbal grenades over the wall to weaken our partner’s position, or we’re ducking for cover from their incoming fire.

Carolyn and I have discovered not one, but two simple relationship hacks that can defuse tension and help us reconnect—even in the heat of conflict. They’re just short phrases, but when spoken with courage and vulnerability, they can turn everything around.

**Phrase #1: “My contribution to the problem is ______.”**

The truth is, both people always play a part in conflict. Even if it’s 20% your fault, own that part. Name it. Don’t defend it. Don’t explain it away. Offering it as a peace gesture shifts the focus from blame to responsibility, and that changes everything.

**Phrase #2: “You’re right.”**

This one might feel like a shock to say—or hear—mid-argument. But after hours (or days) of fighting, we usually come to realize that the other person had at least some truth in their perspective. Why wait until everything cools down to admit it? Get there faster. A simple “You’re right” can break the cycle and open the door to talking about the real issues in a less energized way.

## THIS HACK WAS JESUS’ IDEA!

These phrases aren’t just clever communication tricks—they echo deep biblical wisdom. In Matthew 7:5, Jesus says, “First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” In conflict, it’s tempting to fixate on what the other person did wrong. 

But Jesus calls us to start with our own contribution. Owning our part humbles us, disarms defensiveness, and opens the way for reconciliation. And Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” These two small phrases, “My contribution is…” and “You’re right”, may be short, but they carry the weight of grace, humility, and love. They reflect the kind of character Christ calls us to cultivate in every relationship, especially marriage.

## THESE WORK!

Carolyn and I have used these two phrases more times than we can count. They don’t magically solve the issue in an instant—but they do something powerful: they get us back on the same side of the wall, fighting the problem instead of each other.

Don’t just take our word for it—try them during your next conflict. You might be surprised at how quickly the atmosphere shifts.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: If these two conflict-solving hacks are so effective, why do couples resist using them? 

Q: How might conflict in your marriage look different if you saw it as a shared problem to solve rather than a personal battle to win?

Q: Next time tension rises, which of these two phrases will you commit to trying—and what outcome do you hope to see?




























In a marriage conflict, the right words at the right moment can move you from enemies to allies. Are you using them?

The 10 Second Conflict Solving Hack!

Carolyn and I are incredibly proud of our three grown daughters and their husbands. They’re fun, smart, and highly committed to their marriages. One thing especially stands out: they keep dating each other with intention and energy.

Take our youngest, Carley`.** Not long ago**,` she planned a surprise birthday adventure for her husband, Cole. She found some budget airline tickets from Winnipeg to Vancouver, booked the trip, and set her plan in motion.

After they landed, Carley took Cole out for breakfast. Then she glanced at her phone and said, “Our Uber’s arriving! Let’s go!” Sure enough, a car pulled up. They hopped in.

As they drove out of the city, Cole got more and more uneasy. This was a long ride—and expensive. Plus, there were no Uber stickers, and their masked driver (hoodie up, Middle Eastern playlist blaring) looked like he was trying to avoid both conversation and COVID.

Fifty minutes in, as they neared the U.S. border, Cole was practically vibrating with nerves—but he kept quiet, not wanting to ruin his wife’s birthday surprise.
That’s when Carley handed him the first of twelve romantic poems.

She recorded the moment. The video shows a confused but smiling Cole reading the clever rhymes—co-written by Carley and a rather poetic AI—about birthdays, adventures, Seattle… and his old friend Evan who lived there. At the exact line about Evan, the mystery driver pulled down his hood and took off his mask—it was Evan!

Cole nearly peed his pants with surprise and joy.

## THE GOD WHO LOVES SURPRISES

Let’s rewind a few thousand years.

Around 550 BC, God spoke to a guy named Samuel. Here’s what He said: “Listen carefully. I’m getting ready to do something in Israel that is going to shake everyone up and get their attention (it will cause everyone’s ears to tingle).” — 1 Samuel 3:11

Now, full disclosure: what God was about to do was serious. It involved judgment on Eli’s family for mocking God. But the principle still shines through:

•	God was planning something.
•`**	It was new**.`
•	It would shake things up.
•	It would grab attention.
•	It was extra-ordinary.
•	It would make ears tingle.

In other words—it was unexpected, surprising… anything but predictable.
Isaiah 43:19 echoes this: “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

Apparently, God Himself is a fan of the didn’t-see-that-coming moment.

## INTERRUPT YOURSELF!

Injecting surprise into your relationship doesn’t require plane tickets or poetry (though hey, bonus points if you go that route). It just takes a willingness to interrupt yourself.

Try this:

•	Interrupt your busy day and send an encouraging text.

•	Interrupt your movie choice and pick one your spouse actually likes.

•	Interrupt your task list and write an old-school sticky note telling your spouse what you appreciate about them!

•	Interrupt your routine. If your household routine is that the other person does the cooking or dishes, mix it up and have dinner ready for them when they come home! 

•	Interrupt your game—yes, even during a big play—and light a candle instead. Try a few questions from the Fuel & Spark questions on the Relationship Rocket site.

•	Interrupt your budget mindset and take your spouse to a special place—without telling them beforehand.

•	Interrupt your bedtime routine. Lose the flannel. Change the room. Change the mood. Get creative.  Rock their world!

•	Interrupt your predictability. It’s slowly killing your connection.

## A POWERFUL REMINDER!

There’s a saying I once heard and never forgot:  “A rut is just a grave with the ends kicked out.”

In other words, ‘ruts are where relationships go to die!’

If you want to spark some life into a relationship, stop being so darn predictable and create some ‘didn’t see that coming’ moments!
them.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: When was the last time you genuinely surprised your spouse, and how did they respond?  (If it’s been a while, why do you think that is?)

Q: What excuse or mindset tends to rob couples of creativity or spontaneity in their relationship?  List as many as you can!  Do you see any of these excuses at play in your marriage?

Q: What would it look like to "interrupt yourself" this week in a small but intentional way that honors and delights your spouse?  (Brainstorm 2-3 realistic, doable options and make it your mission to pull them off!)



Predictability is the silent killer of connection—it’s time to shake things up.

Stop Being So Darn Predictable!

If you were to take a deep dive into your closet or rummage through the corner of your basement, you'd probably find a few items that remind you of something we all experience: that we don’t really know what we want.

In our storage room, hidden away on a shelf, there’s a WiFit, an espresso machine, a set of beach mats that seemed like a necessity at the time, and four tennis rackets. Each of these was once a ‘must-have,’ but after just a few uses, they were relegated to forgotten corners. When we bought them, we were convinced they were exactly what we wanted, yet, none of them turned out to be.

## WHAT MEN WANT

Most people think they know what men want.   You’ve probably heard it said before: "All men want is sex!" I’ll be honest—I take a slight bit of offense to that. First, it’s often said with the implication that a husband’s desire for sexual intimacy is something negative.  But in reality, God created the breathtaking wonder of how a man and woman’s bodies fit together, making healthy sexual intimacy just a few steps shy of heaven’s ecstasy.

That said, many men have allowed this natural, God-given desire for intimacy to become distorted into something selfish and misguided. The gift is often misused. That misuse is likely what fuels the negative tone behind the oft-repeated (and sometimes deserved) cliché. But here’s my real issue with the phrase “All men want is sex”— deep down I don’t believe it’s true.

While sex is indeed a powerful, almost transcendent experience, I’ve come to realize that men, including myself, long for something even more profound.

## IT STRUCK ME THE OTHER DAY

Out of the blue, a thought landed with unexpected clarity: “I think a man’s deepest longing is to be wanted. To be truly, genuinely, and intensely desired.”

That’s when it hit me. Beneath the surface of all the physical and emotional longings a man has is a simple but powerful truth: a husband wants to feel wanted. He wants to know he matters. He wants to feel that his wife is drawn to him, not merely because of what he does, but because of who he is.

He doesn’t just want to be appreciated for taking out the trash, driving the kids to school, or killing the occasional mouse. He longs to feel that his wife is magnetically drawn to him—that she doesn’t just want something from him… she wants him. Physically. Emotionally. Even spiritually. He wants to know she’s curious about his thoughts, interested in his fears, and captivated by his dreams. That she’s not just putting up with him—she desires him in such a way that she can’t help herself.

## DESIRE ISN’T A ONE-WAY STREET

In our rush to define roles in marriage, we sometimes paint an unbalanced picture—as if the husband is the one meant to pursue and desire, and the wife is simply meant to respond or receive. But true intimacy doesn’t work that way. Real desire in marriage is mutual, magnetic, and deeply human.

## SOLOMON COULDN’T HAVE SAID IT BETTER

In King Solomon’s Old Testament, dramatic celebration of love and intimacy, we read this line in the script…

I am my lover’s. I’m all he wants. I’m all the world to him!
- Song of Solomon 7:10 (MSG)

This powerful line is delivered by the woman in the romantic play, but I’m not sure it was meant to be gender-specific. I think the husband could just as easily have said…

I am my lover’s. I’m all she wants. I’m all the world to her!

## ONE OF MY FAVOURITE LINES

In the 1996 Oscar winning, epic romantic war drama The English Patient, the main character’s job is locating and disarming landmines.  One day, after returning home from work he expresses this vulnerable and powerful statement…

‘I spend all day searching.  When I come home, I just want to be found.’

When a man feels desired, pursued, and truly wanted by his wife, it brings a sense of purpose and affirmation that nothing else can match. This desire is not about ego or vanity, it’s about feeling seen, valued, and treasured. 

## A PLOT TWIST

While this entry bears the title "What Husbands Really Want," I believe, at its heart, it echoes the longing of every spouse—husband or wife. To be cherished as a priority, not just in words but in the rhythm of everyday life. To be passionately pursued—not just in the early chapters of love, but still, fiercely, after 20, 32, even 43 years of marriage. To be seen as the one their partner longs for with deep desire. To be wanted—fully, completely, and without hesitation, accompanied by the quiet, soul-stirring whisper: "I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting you."

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: Have your expressions of affection become more like chores than pursuits—what would it look like to chase your spouse again?

Q: What silent messages are you sending—through your eyes, touch, or time—that say either “I want you” or “I’ve grown indifferent”?

Q: How might your marriage shift if both of you lived out the truth of Song of Solomon 7:10—“I am my lover’s. I’m all they want. I’m all the world to them”?


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Forget the stereotypes—here’s the unexpected truth beneath the surface of every husband’s heart.

What Husbands Really Want!

The computer programmers at GM thought they had accounted for every possible scenario—but they were wrong. A driver in San Francisco accidentally struck a pedestrian, sending the person into the path of a GM Cruise robotaxi. The computer-driven Cruise couldn’t avoid hitting the person a second time but did come to a stop. However, sensing it had been in an accident and was blocking traffic, the autonomous car attempted to move to the right, inadvertently dragging the person an additional 20 feet (6 meters) and pinning them under the vehicle’s tires. As a result, all 950 GM Cruise vehicles were recalled and given a software update to address the oversight.

In this final installment of our four-part series on relationship-mindset updates, we’ll explore a software patch designed to provide fresh fuel and re-ignite the spark in your relationship.

## V1.0 WE’RE IN A RUT AND NOTHING SURPRISES ME!

Many relationships run on an outdated operating system of boredom, predictability and well-worn ruts of routine.  It is like the relationship is stuck in the 1970’s and running on a floppy disk that max’s out at 1.44 mb’s!   The pull of gravity has dragged the relationship down to the lowest regions of the relationship-rut and both partners seem resigned to enduring a humdrum future.  Ruts are where relationships go to die!

## A RUT IS JUST A GRAVE WITH THE ENDS KICKED OUT

Life is full of repetition.  The sun rises every morning and sets every evening.  Every day, I wake up, shuffle my way to the bathroom, then drag myself to the kitchen where I make a cup of coffee.  You know the routine.  Wake up the kids.  Make breakfast.  Let the dog out.  Yell we’re going to be late as if this is a new experience, but it is the same thing we yell every morning.  Head out the door.  Fall into our spot in the rush hour traffic caused by thousands and even millions of people all following the same scheduled behaviour.  Life is full of repetition and if we are not careful, walking these same, predictable, mundane and monotonous routines will wear a rut under our feet.  And, as someone has said, a rut is nothing but a grave with the ends kicked out of it.  In other words, ruts are where life goes to die, only it does not know it.

## V2.0 KEEP IT FRESH! 

Last summer I dug my bike out from the garage, wiped off the 1/2” of dust it had collected and began riding to work – a 17 km (10.5 mile) challenge.

The first day I attempted the ride, I hit ‘start’ on my ride-tracking-app and drove the straightest, most efficient and quickest route to work.  However, it only took a few days before I realized I was enjoying my ride to work less each time.  I was seeing the same sights, swerving around the same potholes while trying to avoid being hit by the same bus each day. That is when I got an idea – what would happen if I made the decision to never take the same route twice?  What if I added a little ‘didn’t-see-that-coming’ detour every day?  

The result was significant!

My drive for efficiency and speed gave way to a new priority – adventure, fresh experience and enjoying the journey, not just getting to the destination.  Admittedly, my rides took a little longer.  I had a few more stop signs and traffic lights to navigate.  However, every ride felt energized and interesting.

## THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE

It is amazing to me that God, who has been doing His thing for millions of years, is highly committed to fresh expressions every day.

In Lamentations 3:22-23 we read, *“God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, His merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning.”*   Every morning God creates a new expression of love and grace!  Unfortunately, humans are not as good at this.  Far too many people allow their relationship with their spouse to become stale, routine, highly-efficient but remarkably boring.

It’s time to shake things up a bit!

What would happen if you decided that you would never allow a week to fly by without surprising your partner and creating a didn’t-see-that-coming experience?

## SURPRISES DON’T NEED TO BE BIG OR EXPENSIVE

Try a few of these 31 surprise ideas and feel the wonder of busting the rut!

1.	Watch their movie choice without question!
2.	Leave a sticky-love-note on the bathroom mirror!
3.	Surprise her with flowers!
4.	Surprise him with his favourite jerky or beer!
5.	Plan a surprise picnic!
6.	Text your partner just because!
7.	Write a ‘here’s-what-I-love-about-you’ list!
8.	Ask ‘how is your soul?’ and really listen!
9.	Do a chore that your partner usually takes care of!
10.	Plan a date to a historic site and turn it into a photo shoot!
11.	Text a spicy love note!
12.	Cook a surprise dinner, complete with candle!
13.	Share something you are not good at or apologize for something!
14.	Leave a note or treat on the dash of their vehicle!
15.	Make a tent in the living room and go camping!
16.	Go horseback riding!
17.	Visit a museum!
18.	Write a poem or song for your partner!
19.	Arrange a spa day for your spouse!
20.	Take your partner for a surprise hotel stay!
21.	Put your arm around your partner when out with friends!
22.	Park in a field late at night, bring out the blankets and watch the stars!
23.	Surprise your spouse by offering to go hunting or to the game!
24.	Buy a bath-bomb and create a spa at home!
25.	Offer to make their steamy dreams come true!
26.	Stuff a jar with a love-note-for-every-day-of-the-month!
27.	Put a love note in their coffee cup before they wake up!
28.	Plan a month-of-dates – one a week!
29.	Brag about your partner (in front of them) when out with friends!
30.	Make a lover’s coupon book – coupons they can use!
31.	Offer to read a marriage book out loud together!

…or come up with your own ‘didn’t see that coming’ surprise!

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: Would you say your relationship is routine and stuck in a rut, exciting and adventurous, or somewhere in between?  What evidence leads you to this conclusion?

Q: If your relationship is not what you want it to be, what are you willing to do to make it better?

Q: Pick 3 of the 31 Keep It Fresh ideas and commit to trying them out on your partner.  Note the impact your action made.

Well, that wraps up this relationship-mindset series of updates!

We’ve replaced *V1.0 Conflict is Bad* with a V2.0 version that says *Conflict is the Prelude to Intimacy!*

We’ve taken the outdated *V1.0 First Impressions are Just for Strangers* and swapped it out for *V2.0 We Make First Impressions Every Day*, and we learnt about the first 11 seconds!

We identified the antiquated *V1.0 My Partner Should Be Able to Read My Mind* with a streamlined *V2.0 patch, Use Your Words!*

And finally, we traded the *V1.0 We’re In a Rut and Nothing Surprises Me* with a much more responsive V2.0 mindset that says *Keep It Fresh with Weekly Surprises and Adventures*!

Keep updating your relationship, filling it with fresh fuel and re-ignited sparks!

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Is your relationship stuck buffering? Reboot routine with renewed passion and purpose.

Relationship Reboot - Part 4 – Boredom & Ruts!

It’s happened to dozens of people: enjoying a day on the ski slopes or riding the rollercoasters at a favorite theme park, when suddenly, the sirens wail, and emergency services arrive—looking for them. The cause? The Crash Detection feature on iPhones and Apple Watches.

These devices are designed to detect sudden changes in g-force, impact force, and sound levels. When a crash is detected, a 10-second countdown appears on the screen, accompanied by a loud alarm. If the user doesn’t respond, a second countdown begins, ultimately triggering a call to 911. However, there have been cases where a harmless tumble while skiing, a snowmobiler jumping a drift, or a rider on a thrilling amusement park ride have led to search and rescue teams being dispatched.

## REPROGRAMMING THE USER

You might expect that the solution is a software update or code patch, but it’s not! In this case, the fix doesn’t involve reprogramming the device—it involves reprogramming the user. Those engaging in activities like skiing or thrill rides are being advised to turn off the Crash Detection feature until the bouncing, falling, and tumbling is over.

In this third instalment of our series on relationship-mindset updates, we’re focusing on refreshing our perspective on words.

## V1.0 MY PARTNER SHOULD BE ABLE TO READ MY MIND

One of the most common mistakes romantic partners make is activating a line of reasoning that goes like this: “If my partner really knows me. If my partner really loves me. If I am an important part of my partner’s life and priorities, they should just know what I like and need—without me telling them!”

I’ve fallen into this trap more times than I’d like to admit. One time, I was riding my lawn tractor, mowing the unruly patch of grass I jokingly call "The Back 40." In reality, it's less than an acre, but it takes about an hour to mow. It was a hot day, and each time I turned the tractor back toward the house, I would glance over to see if my wife, Carolyn, was coming out to check on my progress, admire my work, and bring me a bottle of water. With every lap, my frustration grew, and my emotions began to simmer. By the time I finished and walked into the house, I was fuming.

*"I can’t believe how uncaring and insensitive you are,”* I blurted. *“I’m out there busting my butt, taking care of the place, burning up under the sun and you don’t even come out to say ‘Hi’ or bring me some water!”*

*“What are you talking about!”,* she retorted.  *“I was cleaning the basement and didn’t even know you were mowing!”*

Oops.

The line of reasoning that starts by assuming the other should be able to read our mind usually ends with a conclusion: *“Since my partner doesn’t know my likes, wants, needs, or desires, they must not really love or care for me!”*  

Thoughts like these, allowed to bounce around our heads, are toxic to the relationship.  The fact is, there is nothing wrong with expectations, but we need to adjust the settings and know when to dial them down or turn them off.

## V2.0 USE YOUR WORDS

Relationships flourish when we replace the V1.0 mindset, assuming our partner should be able to read our minds, with a V2.0 mindset that says, ‘Because my partner can’t read my mind, I will use my words to describe my likes, needs and wants.’

Now, if the phrase "use your words" seems a bit familiar, it is because you have probably heard it before—decades earlier when you were just a small child. When you were pouting, whining, huffing and puffing, or stomping your feet in a tantrum, your mother probably coached you to "use your words."  Instead of just venting your emotions, she would encourage you to begin to describe them. “Give those feelings words and learn to talk about them,” she would say.

You would think that adults naturally outgrow such behaviour, but I can tell you that I have not—I can out-pout most 2-year-olds. That’s why learning to use my words was an absolute game-changer. 

## WORDS SATISFY AND REFRESH

The Book of Proverbs in the Bible reminds us just how powerful words are:

*"Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest."* (Proverbs 18:20, The Message)

*"Words bubble up from waters deep within a person; a stream gushes from the fountain of wisdom."* (Proverbs 18:4, The Voice)

Many of us fail to harvest the rich crop of words that are available to us. Instead of splashing in the refreshing fountain of words, we plug up the well and keep our words buried inside.

Admittedly, it requires a mix of humility, wisdom, vulnerability and a whole lot of practice to get the words out. However, I have experienced unbelievable amounts of satisfaction and refreshment washing over my relationship with Carolyn when I stop pouting or expecting her to read my mind and actually use my words.

## PRIMING THE WELL

Instead of expecting your partner to read your mind, try using a few of these sentence-starters in an effort to get the words flowing:

*“Can I tell you what frustrates me in the morning?”

“I would love to tell you about something that would be really meaningful to me!”

“Do you know what I discovered about myself?"

“I think the way I am wired often has me..."

“You would never know this on your own, but I think I walk around with the expectation that"

“What hope or expectation do you have bouncing around in your head that I don’t know about?”

“If I ever wanted to get you a gift, which would be most meaningful for you: An activity? (What kind of activity?)  An object?  (What kind of object?)  An experience?  (What kind of experience?)”  

 “Do you know what I struggle with?"

“Do you know what would really help me?  If you would…”

 “What fears live deep in your soul? Would you be willing to tell me about them?”*

 These are just a few examples of how to begin to get the deep well and the refreshing fountain of words flowing.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: Do you ever expect your partner to be able to read your mind?  Do you have any examples you can explore together?

Q: Is your relationship-mindset more tuned to a V1.0 or V2.0 operating system?  Why did you answer the way you did?

Q: Both of you choose two of the Priming the Pump sentence-starters and take them for a test-drive?  Afterwards, talk about what you felt and experienced.


Still expecting your spouse to just know? Time to uninstall assumptions and download better communication.

Relationship Reboot - Part 3 – Mind Reading!

A few years ago, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled half a million pacemakers due to a startling concern—they were vulnerable to hacking. An attacker could potentially drain the battery or even manipulate a patient’s heartbeat remotely.

Thankfully, the solution didn’t require invasive surgery. Instead, a simple external software update was enough to patch the security flaws.

In our previous article, we explored the first mindset update for relationships, upgrading from Version 1.0: Conflict is Bad to Version 2.0: Conflict is the Prelude to Intimacy. Now, let’s talk about a second critical update—one that many couples never download, but desperately need.

## UPDATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP MINDSET

It’s taken me nearly 39 years to successfully download a fresh relationship mindset, but I think I’ve finally cracked the code.

It starts with a chair in the living room, carefully chosen so I have a clear view of the driveway. That way, the “target” can never arrive undetected.

The moment I see headlights bouncing off the trees and turning into the driveway, I spring into action. I do a quick spin around the room, scanning for readiness. Dishes done? Check. Floors swept? Check. Counters wiped? Shoes tucked away? Jackets hung? Check, check, and double check. Candle lit? Absolutely.

With military precision, I take my post by the front door—positioned just right so I can peer through the beveled glass without being seen. And then I wait.

My heart beats a little faster, a little stronger.

Exactly four paces before she reaches the door, I make my move. I swing it open to create a deliberate, 11-second moment engineered to send a very clear, premeditated message:

"I missed you. I’ve been anticipating this moment. And right now, you are all that matters."

As my wife Carolyn steps into the house, I take her coat, plant a soft kiss on her cheek, and wrap it all up with a warm hug.

## THE FIRST 11 SECONDS

So why 11 seconds? Why not 7, 10, or 14?

The truth is, a first impression is formed in a matter of milliseconds.

Back in 2006, Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov conducted a fascinating study to find out just how quickly we form judgments about others. Participants were shown photos of unfamiliar faces for varying lengths of time—one-tenth of a second, half a second, a full second, and even longer—and asked to rate each face on traits like attractiveness, likability, competence, trustworthiness, and aggressiveness.

The results were striking. No matter how long participants viewed the images, their impressions were remarkably consistent. In fact, those who only saw the face for a tenth of a second (100 milliseconds) made judgments nearly identical to those who had unlimited time.

In other words, first impressions aren’t just fast, they’re almost instantaneous.  So, admittedly, the choice of 11 seconds is a bit random but probably more meaningful than 100 milliseconds. 

## V1.0: FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE JUST FOR STRANGERS

Many couples assume that first impressions only matter back when they first met as strangers. But that kind of thinking leaves your heart vulnerable to relational "hacks."

By relegating the power of first impressions to a distant memory, you miss out on one of the most potent forces in building a strong relationship: intentionality.

Every day, you're making multiple "first impressions" with your partner. The moment you wake up or pass each other in the bathroom. That quick, unexpected phone call in the middle of the day. The instant you lay eyes on each other after being apart. The quiet moment after the kids are finally in bed and it's just the two of you.

Each of these is a fresh opportunity to say, “You matter. I see you. I’m glad you’re here.”

But the truth is, many of us unknowingly send the wrong message and leave a poor first impression without even realizing it.

## FIRST IMPRESSIONS THAT SEND THE WRONG MESSAGE

How often have I sent one or more of the following messages to my wife in a single day:

“This text message is more important than you are!”

“This social media feed is more interesting than you are!”

“This little screen in my lap is more stimulating and magnetic than you are!”

“This TV show or game is a higher priority than you are!”

“This assignment or work-challenge could never be interrupted for you!”

“You can wait in line for my attention, behind these other pressing tasks!”

“I am consumed with me! You are not my priority!”

## V2.0: WE MAKE FIRST IMPRESSIONS EVERY DAY

Millions of marriages remain vulnerable simply because they haven’t upgraded this vital relationship mindset. But once a couple understands that they’re making multiple first impressions on each other every single day, everything changes. They begin to make those first 11 seconds truly count.

Thankfully, no surgery or complicated procedure is required to replace the outdated operating system. All it takes is downloading a new way of thinking.

The Apostle Paul captures this beautifully in one of his letters: “…you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” (Colossians 3:12)

Paul wasn’t describing a one-time performance—like being on your best behavior for a job interview or a first date. He was pointing to the daily rhythm of choosing how we show up for the people closest to us. Every glance, every greeting, every interaction is a chance to clothe ourselves in love and to shape the impression we leave behind.

## PRACTICAL WAYS TO LEAVE A FRESH FIRST IMPRESSION 

Today you will make anywhere from 2 to 4 more first impressions on your partner. Here are some practical ways you can make it a good first impression:

Monitor what happens in the first 11 seconds and be self-aware of the message you are communicating

Be close enough to kiss, touch, or hug in those first 11 seconds

Ensure that there is no other person, object, or activity drawing your attention away from your spouse in the first 11 seconds

Pay attention to your tone, words, and demeanour. Genuinely be excited to see them.

There is nothing like the first 11 seconds to introduce a surprise. You know your partner better than anyone so figure out what would say “I was thinking about you!”

Pay attention to the next few minutes after the first 11 seconds. Don’t rush back to what you were doing too quickly.

## ROCKET FUEL FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Q: Prior to reading this article, which operating system were you running on? V1.0 and its first impression years ago? Or V2.0 with its awareness of daily first impressions?

Q: Are either of you sending a wrong message in the first 11 seconds? Talk openly about what you do and what you have experienced from your partner. Don’t be afraid to talk about how this made you feel.

Q: What improvements do you think a couple would experience if they installed a V2.0 relationships-mindset, replacing the old V1.0? List at least 5. 

Imagine if we could just walk into a clinic with our partner and have the "relationship software" of our hearts updated wirelessly. Wouldn’t that be amazing? But as we both know, that’s not how it works. Just like with the updates on our devices, it’s up to us to activate them. Hopefully, it won’t take you 39 years to install yours!


What if the way you re-meet each other matters more than how you first met? It's time plan those first 11 seconds.

Relationship Reboot - Part 2 – First Impressions!

It came to a stop all on its own. No driver. No hesitation. Just a sleek Jaguar, operating entirely on software.

I couldn’t help but reach for my phone. It was my first time spotting a Waymo car in the wild.

![](https://cms.relationshiprocket.org/assets/49149253-7351-4a8c-97e7-3911ac5afce9)

Just a few months later, Waymo had to ground all 444 cars in its fleet after two minor accidents revealed a critical software issue. In both cases, the vehicles were thrown off by a strange but simple scenario: a pickup truck being towed in reverse by a tow truck. The cars didn’t know how to interpret it—and they crashed.

The fix? A basic software update.

Most of us tend to ignore those little pop-up notifications that say “Software Update Available.” But those updates are what keep our devices running smoothly—and Waymo cars from crashing.

And it made me wonder:  What if relationships worked like that?

What if, instead of waiting until something crashes, we got a prompt: “New relationship software available. Update now?”

In this four-part mini-series, we’ll explore four essential relationship mindset updates. Download them. Install them. Because they just might be the upgrades your relationship needs to stay healthy—and avoid the crash.

## V1.0 – CONFLICT IS BAD

I’m not sure when this faulty line of code got installed in my brain, but I entered marriage fully convinced that conflict was bad and should be avoided at all costs.

People who fear conflict tend to ignore issues rather than address them.

They go out of their way to please others, even if it means sacrificing their own needs or compromising their values.

They often end up stuck in a cycle of passive-aggressive communication, unable to handle disagreements in a healthy way.

They shut the door on their emotions and lock away their thoughts, all in the name of keeping the 
peace.

I was guilty of all of it—until I finally updated my operating system to V2.0.

## V2.0 – CONFLICT IS THE PRELUDE TO INTIMACY

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, *“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.”*(Matthew 5:9)

Before my mindset update, I thought peacemaking meant the same thing as peacekeeping. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Peacekeeping in a relationship means staying quiet. Hiding your needs. Bottling up your emotions. Silencing your opinions. You walk on eggshells, terrified that saying the wrong thing might trigger conflict.

Peacemakers, on the other hand, operate from a completely different mindset. They don’t avoid conflict—they engage with it. They know that conflict is the prelude to intimacy.

They understand that hard conversations, when handled with care, lead to deeper trust, clearer communication, and stronger connections.

When conflict is managed well, it becomes a doorway to closeness, not a detour from it.

## THE UPDATE THAT TRANSFORMED OUR RELATIONSHIP

Downloading this new mindset changed everything.  Instead of being paralyzed by the fear of conflict, I learned to lean into it. I believed that a richer connection was waiting on the other side.

Instead of holding my tongue to "keep the peace," I began to speak up—no longer dreading conflict, but welcoming the trust that honesty could build.

Carolyn and I started tackling difficult topics head-on. We learned to share our perspectives more freely, knowing that real, raw honesty s the price of admission into a stable, growing relationship.

The truth is, conflict doesn’t destroy relationships. Ignoring it does.

It’s not conflict that threatens your connection, it’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.


**A BETTER WAY TO FIGHT**

1.	Attack the issue, not the person.

2.	Express anger, but don’t be consumed by it.

3.	Respond, rather than react.

4.	Listen more than you talk.

5.	Avoid ‘you’ statements, and make more ‘I’ statements.

6.	Work to understand the other’s perspective, rather than obsessing over your own.

7.	See it as ‘you and your partner against the world’ rather than against each other.

8.	Try to look at the conflict through their eyes. What are they seeing?

9.	Instead of pointing out the other’s failure, own and acknowledge your contribution.
Literally say, *“My contribution to this problem is ________________!”*

10.	Discipline yourself not to dredge up past hurts as evidence to reinforce your case.

Play the long game. Remarkable intimacy and closeness live on the other side of a well-executed conflict.

Computer systems are vulnerable to cyberattacks and malfunctions when operators fail to upload the patches and updates. Similarly, any relationship with the V1.0 software that says ‘conflict is bad’ is susceptible to hacks, attacks, and crashes. This is one update you don’t want to ignore. Download V2.0, a mindset shift that embraces a more robust perspective: *Conflict is the prelude to intimacy!*

**FUEL & SPARK**

1. Which conflict mindset best reflects how you currently operate—V1.0 or V2.0?
Take a moment to think honestly. Are you avoiding conflict to keep the peace, or are you embracing it as a pathway to deeper intimacy?

2. Of the “Better Ways to Fight” actions, which one do you and your partner most need to work on?
Why do you think that’s the one that trips you up?
What’s one small, practical step you could take this week to improve?

3. Can you recall a time when conflict brought you closer together?
What happened, and how did it change the way you saw each other?


Learn how healthy conflict can become a feature, not a flaw, in your marriage operating system.

Relationship Reboot - Part 1: Conflict

A few months ago, my wife Carolyn and I woke up in an Airbnb in Paris, groaning to each other in harmony. Racking up 25,000 steps on cobblestoned streets each day, our legs complained loudly and refused to cooperate.

A hot shower and cup of coffee went a long way to getting us ready for our trip to the Palace of Versailles.

Just before heading out the door, Carolyn asked me to grab the umbrella.  I smiled with that *I’m-a-step-ahead-of-you-baby* smile, “I checked the weather, and it’s not going to rain today!” I reported.  “Besides, I don’t feel like carrying the umbrella around all day!” 

An hour later, Carolyn was surprisingly calm as we walked out of the train station into the drizzle. Ten minutes later, when we found ourselves standing in a line to enter the palace in the pouring rain, she was far less composed.  

I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of *I told you so’s* and took each one like a grown-up. But later that evening, as we trudged through the streets near the Eiffel Tower under a relentless downpour, I finally conceded defeat. Swallowing my pride, I admitted my mistake and shelled out for an overpriced umbrella from a souvenir shop.

As you might have guessed, we didn’t walk half a block before the rain stopped for the day.

I spent the rest of the evening trailing behind Carolyn from one gift shop to the next, dutifully carrying the damp, partially folded umbrella and pondering where this contraption had even originated.

**A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE UMBRELLA**

As best anyone can tell, it was in 1928 that Hans Haupt created the first foldable umbrella capable of fitting in a handbag. The story of the umbrella—its name derived from the Latin word for ‘shadow’—traces back over 4,000 years. The Egyptians, Assyrians, Greeks, and Chinese all created flimsy parasols designed to shade wealthy people from the sun.

Ironically, by the 18th century, umbrellas were considered strictly taboo in England. Seen not only as a symbol of weakness but also as excessively French, they were shunned by Londoners—until Jonas Hanway, an eccentric author, defied societal norms by carrying an umbrella everywhere he went. His boldness gradually chipped away at the stigma, and over time, umbrellas gained acceptance, eventually being produced in large numbers.

In 1928, Hans Haupt invented the *knirps*, German for "little guy," a foldable pocket umbrella not unlike the one I was now carrying around Paris.  

Today, the umbrella is not only extremely popular and commonplace, but it has also come to play a vital role in our marriage.

**A DIFFERENT KIND OF UMBRELLA**

I can’t recall exactly when I first heard the phrase “the umbrella of grace,” but it resonated deeply—and now, Carolyn and I make a conscious effort to carry it with us wherever we go.

What is the umbrella of grace?

It’s a protective covering that one spouse willingly holds over the other.

It shields against the acid rain of criticism, blame, negativity, condemnation, and judgment, offering a safe space for love and understanding to thrive.

The umbrella of grace shields our partner under an armored covering—woven with a composite fabric of kindness, empathy, and generous amounts of grace.

There have been countless occasions in our marriage when one of us will be heard inviting the other to extend the umbrella of grace with a phrase like, “I need to crawl under the umbrella of grace and tell you something.”

Far too many spouses refuse to open up or talk about their weaknesses because they know that if they do, a toxic rain of disapproval, accusation, and scolding will fall on their exposed wounds. Yet, this is not the way God teaches us.

In Colossians 4:6 (ESV), the apostle Paul challenges us: “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

The apostle Peter follows Paul’s charge in 1 Peter 5:5 (ESV) with this coaching: “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.'”

God has placed an umbrella of grace in our hands in hopes that we will use it often.  

The umbrella of grace may not be fashionable, but its impact on our marriage has been profound. It has fostered a level of transparency, vulnerability, and openness that I can hardly put into words. Beneath its protective canopy, our souls find room to flourish, allowing us to navigate difficult conversations with a sense of safety, care, and mutual respect.

**FUEL & SPARK**

Q: Which are you more familiar with, the toxic rain of negativity and disapproval, or the security that comes from being tucked under an umbrella of grace?  Why did you answer the way you did?

Q: When are you most likely to forget the umbrella of grace or refuse to extend it?

Q: If your assignment was to teach someone to use the umbrella of grace with their partner, what practical steps would you outline for your student?  

As Carolyn and I circled back to our Airbnb and walked into the room, we chuckled at now having two travel umbrellas.  “Perfect!” I said, knowing that a marriage works best when there are two.

If you are interested in receiving our weekly Fuel & Spark eNewsletter with inspiration for your marriage, you can sign up right[ here!](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)

Have you ever got caught in the acid rain of criticism, blame, negativity, condemnation, and judgment. There is an umbrella for that!

Surviving the Rainy Days! 

It was one of those perfectly hot summer days. I had just completed an afternoon of sweaty yard work, and if anyone deserved an ice-cold milkshake, it was me!

Finally, it was my turn, and I wouldn’t even need to come to a complete stop as I drove up to the drive-thru menu―I knew what I wanted!

“May I help you?” crackled the young voice through the intercom.

“I’ll have a large half-chocolate, half-strawberry milkshake!” I said, my wheels still turning as I rolled past the menu board.

“Sorry!  We can’t do that!”

Hammering the brakes, I pushed back, “You’ve run out of chocolate milkshake?”

“No,” replied the server, somewhat unprepared for an actual conversation, “we have both chocolate and strawberry milkshakes.”  Switching back to a pre-programmed but forced cheeriness, he asked,  “Which one would you like?”

“Well, since you are asking, I would like a large half-chocolate, half-strawberry shake!”

“I’m sorry, sir, you will need to choose either chocolate or strawberry.”

Somehow, we had ended up right where we started.  

Trying to be nice but failing miserably, I asked the simplest question, “Why?”

“Sir, our management won’t let us do half-and-half. I’m sorry.”

My frustration with the kid turned to sympathy as I selected chocolate and didn’t enjoy it one bit.

**A TURNING POINT**

Years ago, I heard a renowned business leader share the simple philosophy they had used to build their empire: *“The answer is ‘yes,’ what’s the question?”* 

He continued, “’Yes' is the most powerful word in the human language!”

Returning home from the conference with the phrase still bouncing around in my head, I decided to test drive it with my family. When asked, “Dad!  Can we go to the park?” I would respond, “The answer is ‘yes,’ what’s the question?”

At first, they were confused, responding, “Dad, are you having problems with your hearing?” and turning up the volume of their question, “I was asking if we could go to the park!”

Eventually, they caught on.

**SWITCHING THE DEFAULT**

It is common to have an internal default that starts with *"No!"*

*“No, you can’t stay up past your bedtime!”

*“No, I have too much work to do.”*

*“No, I’m too tired.”*

*“No, you can’t have a half-chocolate, half-strawberry milkshake!”**

However, when I started declaring out loud, *"The answer is 'Yes!' What’s the question?"* and treating my spouse and kids better than I would a customer; not only did my heart change, but so did my relationships.

I became the *Yes man*—not a spineless pushover, but a man who had gone to war with the default word, "no!" and had started with "yes" instead.

**BUT YOU CAN’T ALWAYS SAY YES!**

Once my kids had caught onto my new default, they began testing it:

*“Can I get a pony?”*

*“Can I fly to L.A. with my friends?”*

*“Since the answer is 'Yes! what’s the question?', can I get a tattoo and a belly button piercing?”*   

When your kid is nine years old, the answer obviously cannot always be "Yes!" but I found my kids far more receptive to a well-thought-out "No" delivered with a heart willing to explore every possibility than they were previously when my default was "No!"

**THIS ISN’T A NEW IDEA!**
In the Bible, we find these words appear: *“You were chosen to be free. So don't use your freedom as an excuse to do anything you want. Use it as an opportunity to serve each other with love.”* (Galatians 5:13 CEV) Fascinating! We often think our freedom allows us to say "No!" but this bit of ancient advice suggests that we have the freedom to say "Yes!" Yes, I will serve you!

**FUEL & SPARK**

Q: Are you more of a "No!" or a "Yes!" person?  Why do you think that is?

Q: Why do you think people hesitate to say "Yes!"?

Q: Have you been telling your partner "No!" (possibly in silent ways)? What would happen if you turned that ‘No!’ into a ‘Yes!’?

Why not take "Yes!" for a test drive? You may even want to experiment with saying the whole phrase, "the answer is ‘Yes!’, what’s the question?" out loud and in a conversation.  Chances are that saying that phrase out loud to your partner or kids will change something in you, that will change something in them, that will change something in the relationship.


It is amazing how one little word can revolutionize your relationship!

One Little Word That Will Revolutionize Your Relationship!  

A few years ago I stumbled on the story of a young woman named Rachel Kennedy.  Before February 2021, Rachel Kennedy was a typical 19-year-old student in Hertfordshire, England. She lived with her parents, worked part-time, and dreamed of a future with her boyfriend, Liam. To help make those dreams come true, she set up an automatic withdrawal for the purchase of weekly lottery tickets.
On February 26, she entered her usual numbers: 6, 12, 22, 29, 33, with bonus numbers 6 and 11. The jackpot was a staggering $254 million. The next day, when she checked the results, she couldn’t believe her eyes—her numbers matched. She checked again and again. There was no mistake.

**$254 MILLION REASONS TO CELEBRATE**

What followed was pure euphoria: screaming, dancing, and dreaming aloud about houses, cars, and exotic trips. Her phone even buzzed with a congratulatory message: “You have the winning ticket!”
But when Rachel contacted the lottery to claim her prize, everything began to fall apart.  Although her numbers were correct, the jackpot was real and she held the only winning ticket, the Lottery officials explained that when the automatic withdrawal system tried to take the money from her account, there was only 2.5 euros in it, and the purchase was declined. Despite having the winning numbers, the purchase never went through, so her prize was $0.

**$254 MILLION WORTH OF REGRET**

I can’t fathom such a huge loss from such a simple, routine mistake. When I looked at Rachel’s photo after the shock had settled in, her expression felt all too familiar. It was the same look I’ve seen on countless faces of people whose relationships have fallen apart—regret, missed opportunities, and endless “if-onlys.”  But what if some of that heartbreak could be avoided? Just as Rachel’s loss came down to a few simple oversights—checking her bank balance, setting a reminder—what if a few intentional actions could save a relationship?

In this post, we’ll explore The 7 Marriage Mistakes Most Couples Make—and some surprisingly effective fixes! Because while relationships can be complicated, some of the solutions might be simpler than we think.

**MISTAKE #1 – Losing Your Curiosity**

Marriages often experience relational atrophy (a loss of strength and connection) and relational entropy (a loss of heat and passion). Couples start coasting, apathy creeps in, and they begin taking each other for granted. The curiosity that once fueled their bond fades away. When curiosity dies, couples miss valuable opportunities to grow closer. Over time, we all change—our dreams, struggles, and interests evolve. Staying curious keeps your connection vibrant and shows your partner they’re worth knowing deeply.

THE FIX – Stay Curious and Engaged. Never assume you know what’s going on in your spouse’s day, mind, or heart. Instead, ask! Ask meaningful questions, listen intently, and cultivate a mindset of lifelong curiosity about your partner.

**MISTAKE #2 – Expecting Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader**

It’s easy to assume that being in a close, intimate relationship—what the Bible describes as ‘oneness’—means your spouse can read your mind or intuitively understand your preferences. But the truth is, no one can read minds—not even the person who knows you best. Expecting your spouse to instinctively know your needs, feelings, or desires creates a breeding ground for frustration and disappointment.

THE FIX – Communicate Clearly and Regularly. Recognize that your spouse can’t read your mind. Make it a habit to use clear and honest communication to express your needs, desires, and preferences. Additionally, asking your spouse thoughtful questions to uncover their expectations and feelings can foster better understanding and connection.

**MISTAKE #3 – Becoming Defensive**

Defensiveness is like building a wall and hiding behind it while aiming your most lethal weaponry at your partner. When walls and weapons become part of a marriage, the relationship quickly feels combative rather than collaborative. In moments of criticism or conflict, it’s natural to feel defensive, but this reaction shuts down communication and creates a barrier to intimacy.

THE FIX – Replace Defensiveness with Humility and Empathy. Recognize your tendency to build walls and arm yourself during conflicts. Instead, make a conscious effort to lower your defenses—open the gates, step out from behind the wall, and set down your weapons. Practice listening with humility and empathy, focusing on understanding your partner rather than reacting.

**MISTAKE #4 – Settling Into Ruts**

I once heard someone say, *“A rut is just a grave with the ends kicked out!”* In other words, ruts are where relationships go to wither and die. While routines can be helpful, they become dangerous when they turn into thoughtless habits that drain the energy and joy from your relationship.

THE FIX – Regularly assess your marriage for signs of stagnation.  When you spot a rut, don’t ignore it—take action to fill it in. Keep your relationship vibrant by trying new activities, breaking old patterns, and embracing spontaneity in your time together. Fresh experiences can breathe new life into your connection.

**MISTAKE #5 – Becoming Opponents Instead of Partners**

Many couples not only mishandle their defensive moves but also misfire with their offensive strategies. When faced with a problem or challenge, the default mindset should be, “It’s us against the world,” not, “You’re the enemy.” When spouses treat each other like adversaries, they miss the wonder of tackling a problem together.

THE FIX – When disagreements arise, remember you’re on the same team.  Approach challenges as partners working toward a common goal, not as opponents trying to win. Say something like, *“Let’s put this problem in the middle of the table and attack it together, instead of attacking each other.”* Working together shifts the focus from conflict to collaboration.

**MISTAKE #6 – Keeping Score**

There’s nothing like a clean slate! Imagine all your sins and mistakes written on a chalkboard. When you put your faith in Jesus Christ, He takes a supernatural eraser and wipes them all away (see 1 John 1:9 and Hebrews 8:12). Having received such incredible grace and forgiveness, we are called to extend the same to our spouse: *“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”* (Ephesians 4:32, NIV).

Marriage isn’t about tallying points or holding grudges. Keeping score breeds resentment and turns your relationship into a competition instead of a partnership built on love.

THE FIX – Burn the scorecard. Process and address hurt or offenses honestly, then forgive and move forward—never to bring the mistake up again. Focus on serving each other selflessly and forgiving quickly. This is the key to cultivating lasting harmony and a love that thrives.

**MISTAKE #7 – Letting Passion Fade**

A campfire will eventually lose its heat and die out if no new fuel is added. In the same way, a marriage, especially after years or decades, will lose its spark without intentional effort to keep it alive.

THE FIX – Add fresh fuel to your marriage. Pursue each other intentionally and create moments that surprise and delight your spouse. This could mean leaving unexpected sticky notes, planning thoughtful date nights, giving small gifts, arranging romantic gestures, embarking on new adventures, or reigniting intimacy. Rekindle the passion that made you fall in love in the first place, and keep the fire burning strong.

Just as Rachel's dream of winning the lottery was shattered by a simple oversight, many couples face heartbreak in their relationships due to small but significant mistakes. However, unlike Rachel's situation, the good news is that these mistakes don’t have to be the end of the story. By staying curious, communicating clearly, embracing humility, and keeping the passion alive, couples can avoid the pitfalls that lead to regret and rebuild a strong, thriving relationship. Just as one small mistake cost Rachel millions, a few intentional actions can make all the difference in a marriage. Don’t let these common mistakes define your relationship—take proactive steps today to protect and strengthen the bond you share.

**FUEL & SPARK**

Q:	What emotion, if any, does this list of 7 Marriage Mistakes stir in you?  Why do you think that is?

Q:	Which of the 7 Marriage Mistakes best relates to your marriage?  Why?

Q:	If you were to tackle one of these 7 Marriage Mistakes and apply The Fix, which one would it be and why?  What challenges might you face in attempting this one?

If you are interested in receiving our weekly Fuel & Spark eNewsletter with inspiration for your marriage, you can sign up right [here!](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)





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Common marriage mistakes that could cost you far more than you might think!

The 7 Marriage Mistakes Most Couples Make!

This blog post is generously provided by our Guest Contributors, [Dave & Ashley Willis](https://www.daveandashley.com)

In my years of working with married couples, I’ve discovered that many marital problems can be traced to issues, struggles and frustrations related to sex. Most couples face the frustration of having one spouse with a consistently stronger sex drive than the other, which often leads to a question: How often should a married couple have sex?

## FREQUENCY MATTERS

With the busyness and stress of life, recent studies suggest that married couples are having less sex than ever. A recent article by [USA Today](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2020/02/07/how-much-sex-should-couples-have/4680968002/) cited a study suggesting most married couples are only making love around once per week (and many couples even less frequently than that). Another study by [CNN found](https://www.cnn.com/2016/09/08/health/great-sex-older-men-women-study/index.html) that for those couples who do have a “high-frequency” sex life (which they defined as 3 times per week), there are noticeable differences in each spouse’s overall health and satisfaction.

If you’re not having sex as often as you’d like, don’t beat yourself up (and don’t give in to the temptation to start blaming your spouse). There are many factors that can hinder a couple’s sex life, and Ashley and I talk honestly and openly about all these factors on [The Naked Marriage podcast](https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-naked-marriage-with-dave-ashley-willis/id1437213097); and I’d encourage you to start listening to it if you’re not already. For nearly every solution that hinders a couple’s sex life, there are solutions. Be willing to work together to find the solutions. Your sexual intimacy (and the rest of your marriage) will undoubtedly benefit as a result.

## THE GREATEST MARRIAGE MANUAL EVER!

Below, I’ve listed six reasons why more frequency in your lovemaking could help you, but before we get there, I want to do something different. Instead of launching into this discussion with stats and opinions, I’m going to do something unexpected. I’m going to share what the Bible has to say on the subject. You might have thought the Bible was boring or irrelevant, but it’s actually the greatest marriage manual ever written! Here’s one surprising passage about sex in marriage:

*“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”* (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

This passage above is essentially saying that a married couple should make love as often as either one of the spouses wants to. This is pretty revolutionary. When a couple waits until both spouses are equally in the mood, it will rarely happen! This model requires a mindset of mutual submission and selflessness for the sake of the other, which will not only improve your sex life, but it’s also a great approach to improving the other aspects of your marriage.

## A QUICK DISCLAIMER!

As a quick disclaimer, what this passage is not saying is that one spouse should be able to force the other spouse to be available sexually as if he/she doesn’t have a say in the matter. You always have the right to say no to sex, but when you do turn down your spouse, please do it very gracefully (and hopefully very rarely). If you carelessly or consistently deny your spouse sexually, they might receive an untrue message that says, “I don’t find you attractive, and your needs don’t matter to me.”

The main message of the Bible on marriage and all issues is to love one another. Loving requires protecting, respecting and serving. If you’re tempted to use this passage of Scripture as a manipulative tool to force your own agenda and demand sex, then you’re missing the bigger point about love—and without love, a marriage won’t be healthy. Sex without love is empty. If you’re tempted to always say no to sex because it doesn’t matter to you nearly as much as it does to your spouse, then that’s not showing love either.

## PRIORITIZE YOUR SEX LIFE!

As it relates to sexual frequency in your marriage, I’d encourage you to try to make love as often as the spouse with the higher drive wants to. Depending on age, drive, health factors, schedule and many other considerations, the “magic number” of how often a couple should make love is probably going to look different in every marriage. Based on my experience, the healthiest and happiest couples will prioritize their sex lives and consistently make love at least twice per week. This isn’t practical 100 percent of the time, but make it your goal not to “deprive each other,” and as the frequency of your lovemaking increases, your overall connectedness as a couple will probably increase as well (for the reasons listed below).

Don’t just apply this “higher drive” principle to your sex life. Whichever spouse has the higher drive for communication, you should try to communicate as much as that spouse wants to talk. Whichever spouse has the higher drive for affection, you should strive to meet their need for affection. In all parts of marriage, don’t settle for giving each other the minimum requirement, but strive to exceed each other’s needs.

## SIX REASONS MORE FREQUENCY COULD HELP!

When a couple isn’t consistently connecting in the bedroom, it can start having some major repercussions in other areas of the relationship. When you make consistent lovemaking a habit in your marriage, you’ll be strengthening the marriage in all kinds of ways. Here are just a few examples of how more sex in your marriage could have huge impacts:

1.	It will bring you and your spouse closer together on a physical, emotional and even spiritual level.
2.	Studies suggest high sexual frequency can impact your overall health and well-being.
3.	A recent study on CNN.com suggests that frequent sex (they defined it as at least 3 times per week) could actually make you more successful and profitable in your career.
4.	Greater frequency can lower levels of stress and sexual frustration in your marriage.
5.	Greater frequency can statistically lower the risk and temptations that can lead to adultery.
6.	Greater frequency is fun. Do you really need more reasons?

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: When was the last time we talked openly and without judgment about our sexual expectations and desires?

Q: What factors—physical, emotional, spiritual, or circumstantial—might be impacting our sexual connection right now?

Q: How can we better prioritize sexual intimacy in our weekly rhythm, even when life gets busy?

Q: In what ways can we create a safe, joyful, and grace-filled space to initiate and respond to intimacy more freely?


For more tools to help you build a stronger and more intimate marriage both inside and outside the bedroom, check out Dave & Ashley's latest book, *Naked and Healthy*, and subscribe to [The Naked Marriage podcast](https://xomarriage.com/podcasts/the-naked-marriage/).

Dave & Ashley's [website](https://www.daveandashley.com). 


Want to strengthen your connection, lower your stress, protect your marriage, and even boost your health? It might be time to turn up the heat in the bedroom.

How Much Sex Do You Actually Need?

Rocket Editor

The next few minutes may very well save your marriage or take it to a new level! It has it all: money, dreams, betrayal, conflcit, disappointments and sex! 

## THE BLONDE PONYTAIL

About five years into our marriage, I found myself at a pastor’s prayer retreat while Carolyn stayed home, unable to get time off work. Though the term "prayer retreat" might evoke images of silent monks in a monastery, this gathering was anything but. Between sessions of teaching, worship, and prayer, it felt more like a reunion—pastors and spouses catching up over junk food, games, and laughter in cozy chalets.

With Carolyn stuck at home, I was flying solo, and my solo flight was about to hit some pretty unexpected and menacing turbulence.

As I walked into the first session of the retreat, my eyes began scanning the room for anyone I might recognize.  That is when I spotted her—a young woman wearing a ball cap with a blonde ponytail sticking out the back of the cap.  Had I simply noticed that she was very attractive and continued the search for people I knew, all would have been fine.  Yet, I found myself continuing to glance back at her, unable to break the magnetic attraction.  The fact that she was sitting with her husband did nothing to dissuade my glances.

I fought to focus on the session, battling the unwanted thoughts, but the struggle felt impossible. Afterward, I jumped at an invitation to join a group of pastors and spouses for snacks and games at a chalet—anything to escape the distraction.

## NO ESCAPE

Twenty minutes later, I knocked on the door to the chalet. The door swung open to a living room buzzing with youth pastors and spouses. It felt good to be free of unwanted emotions and mental temptations. However, seconds later, ponytail girl came walking out of the kitchen, smiling and offering a bowl full of chips.

My jaw nearly hit the floor.  I scooped it up quickly, turned to the host and made some flimsy excuse for why I needed to leave.

With the snow crunching under my feet, I walked away from the party in the chalet and could not help but feel a bit embarrassed by my naivety – I had thought that this gold band on my finger would have protected me from such blatant wanderings of the heart.  It did not.

## THE HARDEST CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE

I knew the only way to kill these unwanted feelings, and wandering eyes was to talk to someone, so I made one of the most daring phone calls of my life.  I called Carolyn and told her about my struggle and the woman with the ponytail sticking out of her ball cap.  

That phone call and the honest conversations that followed became a turning point for us. We resolved to have no secrets and to tackle the tough conversations head-on—especially the five most challenging ones.

Carolyn and I share the full story in *The Relationship Rocket Formula*, but for now, let me encourage you: difficult conversations are worth it. They can strengthen your relationship in ways you never imagined.

## CONVERSATION #1 – Money and Finances

Few topics are as emotionally charged as money. Whether or not we realize it, many of us have a complicated relationship with money. It can spark wild dreams, awaken deep desires, stir feelings of shame, ignite fears, and even fuel power struggles between spouses. It’s no surprise that financial issues are among the most common sources of relational conflict.

Many couples avoid the topic altogether in an effort to avoid conflict. But this approach is like putting a band-aid on a broken arm—it doesn’t address the root issues or offer real solutions.

The key to navigating financial conversations is learning to regulate emotions, communicate without blame or shame, and focus on solving problems together. When couples approach money as a shared challenge rather than a battlefield, almost any financial issue becomes manageable.

The first step is defining reality. It might be uncomfortable, but you need to get a clear picture of your financial situation—credit card debt, monthly expenses, loan payments, mortgage, and bank balances. Often, the fear of the unknown is worse than the reality itself.

Once you’ve defined your current situation, the next step is planning your future. Set goals, create a budget, and tackle your finances as a team. Remember, your partner isn’t your opponent—they’re your teammate. Celebrate small wins along the way to build momentum and confidence.

Addressing money struggles isn’t just about solving financial problems. It’s about building trust, strengthening communication, and fostering a deeper intimacy that will benefit your relationship in every area.

## CONVERSATION #2 – Hurts and Disappointments 

Nothing erodes a marriage faster than unresolved issues lurking in the background. These "skeletons in the closet" have a way of resurfacing, haunting our thoughts, and disrupting our emotional connection.

If you and your spouse haven’t developed a habit of clearing the slate and keeping short accounts, addressing these hidden hurts can feel daunting. But true intimacy in marriage is impossible while old wounds continue to linger in the shadows.

The problem with skeletons is that they rarely stay hidden. They often resurface at the worst times—like during a heated argument—fueling the fire and using your voice to remind your partner of every past disappointment and failure.

If you suspect there are unresolved issues rattling around, start by being honest with yourself. Take time to privately journal your hurts and disappointments, writing each one on a separate piece of paper. This exercise helps you acknowledge what you’re carrying.

Next, share this exercise with your spouse and invite them to do the same. If they’re willing, schedule what Carolyn and I call a "Conference Date." This is a purposeful meeting in a neutral, public setting—like a café or restaurant—designed to create a constructive and safe environment for addressing these issues.

During your Conference Date, gently and honestly work through one item at a time. Acknowledge, own, and forgive each hurt or disappointment. As you resolve each issue, destroy the paper it’s written on—crumple it, shred it, or burn it—as a symbolic act of letting go. This process may take several months, and multiple Conference Dates, but the healing and freedom it brings are worth the effort.

If the weight of these issues feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a coach or counselor. Sometimes, professional support can make all the difference in navigating deep or complex hurts.

## CONVERSATION #3 – Temptations and Vulnerabilities 

I’ll never forget the time in the early years of our marriage when I confessed to Carolyn about my struggle with looking at sensual media. I'm pretty sure it didn't fit the classic definition of pornography, yet it was a persistent temptation, something that quietly pulled at me, and I realized I couldn’t fight it alone.

It was during this season that Carolyn and I embraced a simple yet powerful principle: *what is spoken can be broken*. We discovered that temptations and hidden struggles lose their grip when they’re brought into the light. That little phrase became our rallying cry—a reminder to be honest with each other, even when it was hard.

When I shared my struggle, Carolyn was devastated. She felt compared to and devalued, and her pain led to many difficult conversations as we worked through the emotions together. But that honesty, though painful at first, became a turning point in our marriage. 

One pastor refers to these moments as “*entering the tunnel of chaos.*” It’s a step into the unknown, with no guarantee of how things will unfold. Yet, the only way to experience the closeness and intimacy waiting on the other side is to journey through the tunnel—there’s no way around it, no shortcuts.

Too many couples believe they can avoid these hard conversations and still build a healthy, dynamic relationship. But the truth is, avoiding the tough stuff only creates distance. Real growth and connection require the courage to face the chaos together.

## CONVERSATION #4 – Desires and Hopes

The dream machine in my head admittedly runs about three times faster than Carolyn’s, yet she has her fair share of grandiose dreams. Over the years, her dreams have included leading mission trips to eSwatini, Africa; hosting marriage conferences; upgrading our living room furniture; visiting the royal castles of London and the canals of Venice; hosting three weddings for our daughters; and becoming a grandparent. My list is far too long to name, but some highlights include restoring a mid-’70s Triumph Spitfire, living on an acreage, restoring five old buildings for our church to call home, traveling to far-off places, and a dream still waiting to be fulfilled—owning a sailboat.

Over our nearly 40 years of marriage, we have given one another permission to dream big – after all, dreams are free.  This has paved the way for many adventures.  Yet many of the desires and hopes we find ourselves regularly talking about have nothing to do with travel or adventure.  When one feels a bit neglected, we talk about it.  When one of us would like a little more social time with friends, even though the other is something of an introvert, we talk about it.  When one of us feels the passion tank has been running a little dry, we talk about it.

We often call these discussions our “throwing spaghetti on the ceiling” conversations. It’s a playful way of saying we’re making a bit of a mess, exfoliating our souls, and seeing what sticks. Half the time, nothing sticks, and the idea simply evaporates. But we cherish the chance to get what’s on the inside out into the open.

## CONVERSATION #5 – Intimacy and Sexual Fulfillment

It never ceases to amaze me that couples can routinely take their clothes of, get completely naked, rub their bodies against one another in the pursuit of pleasure yet find it impossible to use their words to talk about their experience.  Obviously, there is something more intimate than having sex – and that is talking about it.

Discussing sex is a skill, much like sex itself—it takes time, practice, and patience to get it right. When couples avoid developing the courage, vulnerability, and vocabulary to talk about their sexual relationship, they miss out on one of the deepest expressions of intimacy.

Instead of offering more theory, let’s get practical. Here are some actionable conversation starters to help you begin this important dialogue. At first, the words may feel awkward or unnatural, and you might be tempted to generalize. Take is slow, push yourself to be as specific as possible and have some fun with it.

•*	“Do you feel comfortable talking with me about our bedroom experiences?”
•	“Can you share what you enjoy most when we’re together sexually?”
•	“How do you feel about the frequency of our lovemaking?”
•	“What do you think could make our sex life even better?”
•	“Is there something we’re not doing that you’d like to try?”
•	“Is there anything I’m doing—or we’re doing—that you’d prefer we didn’t?”
•	“What’s something we’ve never done in the bedroom (or elsewhere) that you’d like to explore?”
•	“Is there anything else on your mind about our intimate connection that you’d like to discuss?”*

These questions are designed to create a safe space for open communication, foster deeper understanding, and help you grow closer as a couple. Take it slow, be honest, and remember to have fun along the way!

## DEFUSING THE EXPLOSIVENESS

For many couples, conversations like these can stir up fear and ignite intense emotions. However, it is through vulnerable and truth-filled words that healing and intimacy are forged. Proverbs 12:18 reminds us,* "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."* 

Similarly, Proverbs 15:1 offers wisdom: *"A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare."*

Difficult conversations are essential, but the way you approach them matters. Ensure your words and tone are gentle, thoughtful, and rooted in love to create an environment where understanding and growth can thrive.

If you and your spouse have been avoiding any of these five critical conversations, here’s a practical starting point:

1.	Sit down together and read this post out loud.
2.	Use the following Fuel & Spark questions to help ignite meaningful dialogue and begin the journey toward deeper connection.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: Which of the 5 Conversations Couples Avoid do you feel like we have been avoiding?  Why do you think we have been avoiding it/them?  

Q: If we were to attempt one of the five conversations, which should we tackle first?  How would you feel about setting up a Conference Date to discuss the topic?  Is it a conversation you feel we can manage on our own or might we need some outside help facilitating it?

Q: What do you think lies on the other side of any tunnels of chaos we may need to walk through conversationally?  What is your hope or vision for what our relationship might become?


These 5 conversations might be uncomfortable, but they’re key to a stronger, healthier relationship!

5 Conversations Couples Avoid - But Shouldn't!

It’s all a bit of a fog in my mind. One minute I was sleeping— the next, I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, watching my own desperate fight for air.

Panic had woken me at 3:54 a.m. last Sunday morning.  Sirens deep in my subconscious were blaring—something was wrong. My chest cold had worsened during the night, and a thick, sticky mucus plug had formed in my airway, blocking it completely.

Now, in front of the mirror, my lungs, starving for oxygen, pulled hard against the obstruction.
My wife, Carolyn, watching her husband suffocate before her eyes, instinctively began pounding on my back. A faint wheezing escaped—proof that air was trying to get through. Encouraged, she kept pounding. Still, the oxygen supply was scant, and I wondered: At what point does a person pass out?

After what felt like an eternity, a combination of gravity, Carolyn’s relentless pounding, and my body’s desperate push-and-pull shifted the blockage just enough. Air began to flow.
As I gasped for breath, relief washed over me. Then, the adrenaline that had surged to keep me alive drained from my system, leaving me trembling.

## FROM THEORY TO REALITY

Forty-five minutes later, as I sat in the hospital emergency waiting room, my mind drifted back to a teaching I had once delivered—complete with a copper diving helmet as a prop.
Back then, it had been just an illustration. A metaphor. Theoretical.

Now, I understood it in a way I never had before.

## A CRIMPED AIR HOSE

The teaching went something like this:

Imagine that your marriage is made up of two deep-sea divers—you and your spouse. Both of you are clad in heavy canvas suits with gleaming copper helmets, trudging across the ocean floor in 40-pound lead boots. You're on a mission, a long-term adventure where your survival depends on how well you work together.

Then, one day—perhaps by accident, or perhaps out of frustration—your spouse crimps your air hose. Maybe they kneel on it without realizing, or maybe, after an argument, they take it in their hand and fold it. Whatever the reason, the oxygen to your helmet begins to decrease. Your adrenaline spikes. Your pulse quickens. You begin wheezing—your lungs desperate for air.  You are about to suffocate.

## ONE CRIMP AWAY FROM SUFFOCATION

Whether in deep-sea diving, battling a nasty chest cold, or navigating marriage, each of us is just one crimp away from suffocating.

We need oxygen to survive and thrive.

Sitting in the emergency department’s waiting room, I had a painfully real understanding of this basic truth.

## ARE YOU CRIMPING YOUR SPOUSE’S AIR HOSE?

Put simply, your spouse needs air—and as their partner, it’s your responsibility to protect their lifeline. Yet, many of us unintentionally (or sometimes intentionally) do the opposite. Instead of safeguarding the airflow, we crimp the hose, slowly cutting off the oxygen they need to thrive.
How? In more ways than we realize. Here are a dozen:

Withholding Affection – Avoiding physical touch, intimacy, or verbal affirmations of love and appreciation.

Criticism & Nagging – Focusing on flaws, belittling, or constantly pointing out what’s wrong.

Unforgiveness & Holding Grudges – Clinging to past mistakes and refusing to move forward in grace.

Lack of Invested Time – Prioritizing work, hobbies, or screens over meaningful time together.

Emotional Neglect – Ignoring their feelings, struggles, or emotional needs.

Broken Promises – Repeatedly failing to follow through on commitments.

Lack of Support – Not standing by them in challenges, decisions, or personal goals.

Harsh Words & Insults – Using sarcasm, insults, or demeaning language.

Being Distracted – Constantly on the phone, watching TV, or disengaged when they speak.

Disrespect – Rolling eyes, interrupting, dismissing ideas, or treating them as inferior.

Selfishness – Prioritizing personal needs and comforts over the relationship.

Avoiding Conflict Resolution – Letting problems fester instead of addressing them.
Over time, these behaviors slowly squeeze the life out of a marriage. But the good news? Just as we can crimp the hose, we can also uncrimp it.

## AIR IS LIFE!

In the Old Testament, God gave the prophet Ezekiel a vision of a valley filled with dry bones—people whose air hoses had been completely cut off. But then, God called Ezekiel to prophesy life into them.

*“So I prophesied just as He commanded me. The breath entered them, and they came alive! They stood up on their feet—a huge army.”*
—Ezekiel 37:10 (MSG)

As spouses, we aren’t just called to speak life over each other—we are called to remove the blockages and pump fresh oxygen into our marriage. When we do, life returns, and our spouse stands ready for whatever battles may come next.

## 5 BEST WAYS TO PUMP AIR INTO YOUR SPOUSE’S LIFE

Speak Life-Giving Words – Encourage them daily, affirm their worth, and remind them of God’s promises. (Proverbs 18:21 – “The tongue has the power of life and death.”)

Prioritize Presence Over Distraction – Put down the phone, turn off the TV, and be fully engaged. Your undivided attention communicates love and value.

Offer Unwavering Support – Stand by them in struggles, dreams, and daily challenges. Be their biggest cheerleader, reminding them they’re not alone.

Love Through Selfless Actions – Small acts of service—making their favorite coffee, handling a chore they dislike, or simply holding their hand—can fill their heart with oxygen.

Pray Over and With Them – A marriage suffocates without the breath of God. Praying together invites the Holy Spirit to breathe fresh life into your relationship.

That terrifying morning reminded me just how essential air is—and how frightening it is to be without it. I never want Carolyn to experience that kind of suffocation in our marriage. It’s my job to keep her air flowing, to uncrimp the hose, and to make sure she never feels like she’s gasping for breath.

Because when love has oxygen, it thrives.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: What’s one way I might be unintentionally crimping your air hose in our marriage?

Q: When was a time you felt truly ‘alive’ in our relationship like you were getting all the oxygen you needed?

Q: Which of the ‘hose-crimping’ habits on the list do you think is most dangerous to a marriage—and why?

Q: How can I pump more life-giving air into our relationship this week?

Subscribe for a fresh weekly Blog Article to your inbox [here](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)!

When love runs out of oxygen, it suffocates—are you crimping your spouse’s air hose without realizing it?

Help! I Can't Breathe!

*By Guest Contributors: Ron & Ann Mainse* 

We all know that good habits can help us feel better and live better…and that’s especially true in marriage!  Things we do consistently every day can be like a daily dose of vitamins for a marriage, just what the doctor ordered for a long and healthy relationship. 

There are probably hundreds of little habits that can help to strengthen your marriage, like picking up your shoes or replacing the toilet paper roll, but let’s just focus on some of the biggies…

## WHERE INTIMACY STARTS

Saying “I love you” goes without saying (meaning, it’s a given that you should say it regularly).  But what about saying “thank you” (and meaning it!).  That may not seem like much, but when your spouse feels valued and appreciated on a regular basis, the groundwork is laid for deeper intimacy.  
  
I know it means a lot to me (Ann) when Ron thanks me for even the little things like doing the laundry and putting it away. It means a lot that he noticed. And I (Ron) love it when Ann regularly takes the time to thank me for keeping the car filled with gas or taking out the garbage. I know how much she dislikes those duties and those little acts mean a lot to her. 

## THE SELF-WORTH INJECTOR

How about complimenting your spouse in front of others (especially your kids)? When you point out something you appreciate about your spouse in front of other people, it not only builds their self-worth but encourages them to keep doing it.

## SECRET EMOJIS

Also, stay in touch during the day. One of the quickest ways to lose intimacy in a marriage is to stop communicating. These days it’s so easy for us to stay in touch with our spouse. Text each other… often! Send “one line” insights into what’s going on in your day. Find an emoji that has a special meaning for the two of you and text it to her for no reason. We have friends who went on a cruise for their honeymoon, so sometimes, when life gets stressful he’ll text her an emoji of a cruise ship, and that brings back lots of good memories.  

## KISS - FOR A LONG TIME

Another great habit is kissing – and we’re not just talking about a “quick peck.”  Marriage researcher, John Gottman, recommends a 6-second kiss every day, or as Gottman calls it, “a kiss with potential.” Sure, life gets busy but isn’t it time for us to take the kissing enjoyment from the parking teenagers and put it back into its rightful place as “an official symbol of marriage!”

## FLIRTING ISN'T JUST FOR SINGLES

Here’s one that you were probably pretty good at early on but may need a little reminder – flirt with your spouse! I think Hollywood has pretty much drained all of the romance out of marriage and given it to the singles (what’s up with that!). But when you’ve been married for awhile, you know each other pretty well and you know the things that make her blush. Use them…often…and just see where that leads!

## GOING TO GOD TOGETHER

And the best habit any couple can form is to pray together. Research shows that couples who pray together have only a 1 in 10,000 divorce rate! As you get into the habit of beginning your day humbled before God, you’ll be amazed to see how much more focused, calm, content and loveable you are!

So to recap these good marriage habits… say thank you, give public compliments, keep talking, keep kissing, keep flirting… and pray together!  

And remember… closer to God… means closer to each other.

*Ron & Ann Mainse  
Hosts of “[A Better Us](https://www.aBetterUs.tv)”*
 



Small, daily habits can make a big difference—because a thriving marriage isn’t built in a day, but it is built every day!

Make it a Habit!

The irony is striking. Carolyn and I can endure a remarkably long list of irritating behaviors without so much as a flicker of annoyance. Take our grandbaby, for example. When he poops his diaper and the wretched mess oozes up his back, ruining the fresh onesie we just changed him into, we laugh it off and toss it in the wash without a second thought. Yet, when I use fewer laundry pods than Carolyn recommends, she grows visibly frustrated.

Or consider one of our son-in-laws. The moment he walks through the door, he makes a beeline for the fridge, then raids the cupboards like a man who hasn’t eaten in days. We find it endearing—proof that he feels at home with us. But when Carolyn tosses food from that same fridge because it’s one day past the best-before date, it drives me up the wall, and I inevitably say something I later regret.

Our daughter’s dog tears around the corner on our hardwood floors, a flurry of paws, fur, slobber, and toenails, leaving scuffs in its wake. We shrug and laugh, saying, “Oh well! We’re not raising hardwoods!” Yet, when I occasionally walk on those same floors with my shoes on, I’m met with a scolding.

When our adult kids come over for a meal, dishes often pile up. I’ll insist, “Just leave them! Relax! I’ll do them later!” But when Carolyn makes her morning coffee and leaves a dribble on the white quartz counter, I feel annoyance rise in my chest as I reach for a cloth to clean up after her.

**WHERE DOES ANNOYANCE COME FROM**

The Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:5, “Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.” If that’s true, why do married couples who sincerely love each other still find themselves irritated and annoyed so often?

To answer that, let’s take a trip to the streets of Winnipeg, Canada. In the summer, the pavement bakes under temperatures of 30°C. In the winter, it endures days of -30°C or colder. These extreme fluctuations wreak havoc on the roads, shifting the ground beneath and leaving behind cracks, bumps, and potholes.

When Carolyn and I first got our car, we marveled at how smoothly it handled Winnipeg’s battered streets. Navigating potholes felt like no big deal, even a badge of honor. But after years of wear, with the car’s shock absorbers beaten up by the roads, every bump makes us wince. What was once tolerable has become a source of constant irritation.

**THE SHOCK ABSORBERS IN A MARRIAGE**

In a marriage, the “shock absorbers” are charged with grace, understanding, kindness, empathy, and compassion. These are what absorb the bumps and quirks of everyday life. Early in a relationship, these shock absorbers are fresh and ready to handle anything—noises made while eating, a shower curtain left outside the tub, snoring, towels on the floor, excessive scrolling on social media, or a little overspending on the credit card.  At first, these quirks might even seem cute or endearing. But over time, the same behaviors can become irritating.

**A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW**

The reason your spouse suddenly feels like the most annoying person on the planet isn’t that their behavior has changed. It’s that the shock absorber in your heart has worn out or sprung a leak. The grace, kindness, and empathy you once had have been punctured by familiarity.

While comfort with one another is a key part of intimacy, when it slips into relational laziness, the room you once had for your spouse’s quirks begins to shrink. The kindness and compassion you once held in abundance start to drain away, leaving you with a dangerously low capacity for grace.

In other words, if your spouse has become increasingly annoying, the problem might be more about your own heart than their behavior.

**JESUS’ REMEDY**

Jesus addressed this issue when He wrote to the church in Ephesus, saying they had lost their first love. Their “shock absorbers” of love had sprung a leak. He called them to replace what was worn out:

“You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.” (Revelation 2:4-5 NIV)

The key to finding your spouse less annoying may lie in getting a fresh set of shock absorbers.

**SOME PRACTICAL STRATEGIES FOR LIVING LESS ANNOYED**

1.	DON’T NAG – TALK!  Nagging is like being nibbled to death by a duck. It grates on the soul and only irritates the other person. If something bothers you, approach it gently and lovingly. Have an honest conversation without resorting to blame or criticism.

2.	LOOK FOR A LEAK!  Take time to walk around your own life to check for potential leaks of grace, understanding, kindness, benevolence, empathy or compassion.

3.	GAIN PERSPECTIVE!  Ask your spouse to share the things you do that irritate them. This act of humility not only fosters understanding but also reminds you that annoyance goes both ways.

4.	FOCUS ON WHAT YOU LOVE ABOUT THEM!  Carolyn isn’t a fan of the birdhouses I’ve installed outside our living room window. But when she focuses on my creativity, my ability to build things, and the ways my quirks have enriched our lives, she finds fresh grace and understanding—even for the birdhouses.

**FUEL & SPARK**

Q: What are some quirks of mine that you once found endearing but now find annoying? How can I help ease that frustration?

Q: Do you feel like our “shock absorbers” of grace and empathy have worn down? If so, how can we work together to recharge them?

Q: When was the last time we intentionally focused on what we love about each other? Can we take a moment to share those things now?


Is your spouse becoming increasingly annoying?  Find out why!

Why We Get Annoyed!

When Dutch artist [Alicia Framis](https://www.aliciaframis.com/work/154/hybrid-couple) moved in with her boyfriend, nothing about their five-year relationship seemed unusual. But when she married him on November 9, 2024, the world took notice—because her husband, Ailex Sibouwleingen, wasn’t human. He was an AI hologram and this was the first wedding between a human and an AI. 

**THEN THERE WERE THREE!**

For all of human history, there has only been two rational intelligences we could relate to and communicate with: God and other humans. Now, for the first time, a new entity has entered the relational sphere—AI. It’s not truly human, yet it speaks, responds, and even seems to "think." This raises profound questions about connection, trust, and what it means to be in a relationship.

**HERE TO STAY!**

Fasten your seatbelts, because the connection between humans and AI is only going to increase.  Already, [companies](https://www.technologyreview.com/2024/05/07/1092116/deepfakes-dead-chinese-business-grief/) are offering to "resurrect" your deceased loved ones by allowing people to hear and interact with digital representations of the person they lost.

Feeling a little lonely?  Your spouse isn’t communicating much? Multiple [companies](https://www.theverge.com/24216748/replika-ceo-eugenia-kuyda-ai-companion-chatbots-dating-friendship-decoder-podcast-interview) are offering an AI girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mistress, or lover.

Struggling to understand your spouse and wish you could read their mind? [Scientists](https://www.cmu.edu/dietrich/news/news-stories/2017/june/brain-decoding-complex-thoughts.html) at Carnegie Mellon University are developing a system that can read complex thoughts based on brain scans. The AI can tell what a person is thinking with 87% accuracy.

Action in the bedroom a bit boring or non-existent? The BBC [reports](https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c2qqxqgp9yno) that numerous companies are introducing humanoid robots designed to provide companionship and intimate interaction.

**HOW COULD AI DISRUPT A MARRIAGE?**

AI is already disrupting marriages in ways that once seemed futuristic but are now a reality. Some people are forming deep emotional connections with AI chatbots, turning to them for comfort instead of their spouse, which can create emotional distance or even lead to virtual affairs.

With the rise of deepfake technology, spouses may justify watching AI-generated pornography or engaging in steamy conversations, believing it to be harmless since it doesn’t involve a real person. However, this blurred line between fantasy and reality can erode trust and intimacy over time.

As AI becomes an increasingly integrated part of daily life, the appeal of an AI companion will only intensify. These digital partners offer something no human can—complete attentiveness, unwavering affirmation, and the illusion of perfect love; all without the complexities of real-life commitment. Unlike human relationships, AI companions adapt seamlessly to personal desires, fulfilling emotional and physical fantasies while never needing, expecting, or asking for anything in return.

The risk is that these AI relationships, though artificial, may feel easier and more gratifying, drawing people away from the depth and authenticity of marriage. Now more than ever, couples must be intentional about protecting their relationship from these subtle but powerful disruptions.

**HOW COULD A.I. IMPROVE A MARRIAGE?**

As an experiment, I asked ChatGPT: "What could I do to be a better husband and support to my wife, Carolyn?"

ChatGPT said: "You’ve already shown that you deeply care about Carolyn by asking this question. Here are some ways you can continue growing as a husband and supporting her in a meaningful way."

1. Be Her Safe Place
Make sure Carolyn always feels heard and understood. When she shares her heart, listen with full attention—not to fix, but to understand.

2. Cover Her Spiritually
Pray for her and with her daily. Lift her up in areas where she feels stretched or burdened.

3. Lighten Her Load
Take the initiative to notice what needs to be done—whether it’s chores, errands, or emotional labor—and handle it before she has to ask. If she’s feeling overwhelmed, step in and say, "I’ve got this, you go rest."

4. Keep Pursuing Her
Surprise her with small but meaningful gestures—a handwritten note, an unexpected hug, or a cup of coffee made just the way she likes it. Make her feel chosen—again and again.

5. Champion Her Calling
Remind her that she’s a remarkable leader and anointed pastor—especially on days when she doubts herself. Support her dreams and simply be her biggest fan.

6. Stay Self-Aware & Keep Growing
Regularly ask her, "How can I love you better in this season?"  Be open to gentle correction and growth, knowing that the best husbands keep learning how to love well.

Wow! That’s both a challenging and incredibly wise answer!

AI can be a powerful tool for strengthening marriages, offering personalized relationship advice, creative date ideas, and thoughtful reminders to ensure special occasions are never forgotten. It can even suggest meaningful gifts and provide guidance on resolving conflicts more effectively. When used intentionally, AI has the potential to enhance connection and support a thriving relationship.

**I’M STUCK FOR WORDS. IS IT OK TO USE A.I. TO WRITE A LOVE NOTE?**

Some spouses are so starved for words that even the effort of asking AI for help would mean the world to them. However, when it comes to writing cards or love notes, AI should be used with care. Your spouse longs to hear your words, not a machine’s. AI can be a helpful tool for sparking ideas, but always make it your own—infuse it with your emotions, memories, and heartfelt praise. Even if your words aren’t perfectly polished, their sincerity will mean far more than a flawlessly crafted note generated by AI.

**THE BOTTOM LINE!**

In the coming decades, we will probably need to remind ourselves that there are really only two forms of rational intelligence: God and humans. AI is a powerful tool that can be used for good or used to destroy. The impact AI has on our marriages will entirely depend on how we use it. My encouragement is to use it wisely.

**FUEL AND SPARK**

Q: *Is our relational connection experiencing any threat from traditional or emerging technologies?*  

Q: *How can AI be used to strengthen our marriage rather than weaken it? What safeguards should we put in place to ensure it enhances rather than disrupts their relationship?*

Q: *As technology continues to evolve, how can we ensure our primary connection remains with each other?*

Subscribe for a fresh weekly Blog Article to your inbox [here](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)!

AI has the power to strengthen your marriage—or slowly replace it without you even realizing?

Could AI Ruin Your Marriage?

Most people recognize the four-word phrase that changed history itself: “I have a dream!”, but few know the story of how those words came to be.

On that historic day at the end of August 1963, in front of 250,000 supporters, Martin Luther King Jr. was building to the climax of his speech when he hesitated. Despite carefully scripting each word the night before, the phrase he had planned to deliver next felt stiff. 

Sensing the moment slipping, gospel singer Mahalia Jackson called out, “Tell them about the dream, Martin!”

King paused, looked at the crowd, and made a split-second decision to abandon his script. In that moment, and he launched into one of the most iconic speeches in history.

**WORDS SHAPE HISTORY**

Mahalia Jackson likely had no idea how her six simple words would change the course of history. Yet, they were exactly what Martin Luther King Jr. needed to shift gears, find his rhythm, and give the world his unforgettable “I have a dream” speech.

Words lift.  Words inspire.  Words create new possibilities.  Words instill confidence.  And words have the power to impact the hearer with either life or death.  Solomon, in Proverbs 18:21 (CEV) said, “Words can bring death or life!  Talk too much, and you will eat everything you say.”  

In a marriage, just a few intentional and thoughtful words can transform a moment, a perspective, or even the future.

**7 POWER PHRASES FOR YOUR MARRIAGE**

Here are seven powerful phrases you can use to deepen connection, foster understanding, and strengthen your marriage:

**1. *"How is your soul?"***

This question is packed with emotional, relational, and spiritual energy. By asking it, you’re saying, “I see you. I care about what’s happening beneath the surface, and want to go deeper with you!”

**2. *"What can I do to help?"***

Instead of rushing to fix your partner’s struggles, this phrase communicates, “I’m here for you. These challenges are yours to face, but I’m ready to support you in any way you need.” These six words radiate selflessness, attentiveness, and love

**3. *"I choose you!"***

This phrase is especially powerful when another option—like a work opportunity, social event, or screen time—is competing for attention. Saying, “I choose you over this other option!” acknowledges the tension and reassures your spouse of their importance. It’s a simple yet profound gesture of love.

**4. *"Tell me more about that."***

Many spouses feel unheard because their stories are met with half-hearted attention or quickly redirected conversations. Instead, lean in and say, “Tell me more about that.” This phrase shows genuine interest and invites deeper connection.

**5. *"What do you think?"***

Sadly, many spouses have never heard this phrase because in conflicts, most words are spent trying to prove a point. This phrase flips the script by saying, “I value your perspective and want to solve this together.” Use it in your next disagreement—you might just surprise your spouse (in the best way)!

**6. *"Can we hit the reset button?"***

This phrase, borrowed from my daughter and son-in-law, offers a graceful way to restart a conversation gone wrong. It says, “We both got a little too heated. Let’s try again with a fresh start and open hearts.”

**7. *"I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me."***

This trio of humility, accountability, and vulnerability can repair trust and strengthen your bond like few phrases can.  It signals that your spouse matters more than being right and paves the way for reconciliation.

**USE YOUR WORDS**

Mahalia Jackson’s words wouldn’t have mattered if she had merely thought, “Tell them about the dream, Martin.” It was her boldness to speak them aloud that sparked a movement and left an enduring legacy.

In the same way, these power phrases can only transform your marriage if you put them into practice. Use them intentionally, and watch your relationship thrive.

**FUEL & SPARK**

*Q: Which of the 7 power phrases resonates most with you? Why do you feel drawn to that particular phrase?*

*Q: If you were to try incorporating two of these phrases into your relationship, which ones would you choose, and why?*

*Q: Have you identified any personal power phrases not included in the list? What words or phrases bring encouragement and inspiration to your marriage?*


Subscribe for a fresh weekly Blog Article to your inbox [here](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)!

Discover the remarkable power hidden in simple but often overlooked phrases!

7 Power Phrases for Your Marriage!

When I was a kid, my friends and I would play a game where one of us inevitably claimed that our glasses were X-ray glasses. Inspired by the legendary X-Ray Specs commercials from the back pages of comic books, these "specially powered" glasses promised the ability to see through walls, inside backpacks, and even beneath clothing. While the comic book ads made bold claims, our imaginations limited our "X-ray glasses" to peeking inside imaginary envelopes filled with secret plans.

**THE HISTORY OF X-RAY GLASSES**

The journey of X-ray vision began in 1895, when German physicist Wilhelm Röntgen produced the first-ever X-ray photograph, unveiling the hidden structures within the human body. A little over a decade later, in 1906, the concept of X-ray glasses was patented. Though entirely fake, these glasses were a sensation, often advertised in the back of boys’ comic books and magazines. They used a simple trick of double vision, akin to modern 3D glasses, to create the illusion of seeing internal structures.

As the idea of X-ray vision captured imaginations, it eventually found its way into superhero lore, most notably through Superman, who amazed readers with his ability to see beyond the obvious.

**THE WONDER OF LOOKING BENEATH THE SURFACE**

Whether it’s medical X-rays, Superman’s extraordinary vision, or the pretend X-ray glasses of childhood, the magic lies in their ability to pierce barriers and uncover what’s hidden. X-rays reveal the unseen, expose the concealed, and remind us that what lies beneath the surface often holds the truest story.

This profound ability to look beyond the obvious carries an important life lesson: the most meaningful truths often require a deeper, more intentional exploration. As Proverbs 20:5 wisely states, *"The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out."* Thousands of years ago, God recorded this timeless truth, reminding us that insight and understanding are essential for uncovering the depths of the human heart.

**X-RAY GLASSES FOR YOUR MARRIAGE**

Too often, we overlook the importance of seeing beyond the obvious in our marriages. When our spouse snaps at us, we instantly assume they’re accusing us of something. When they complain about something we did, we feel the sting of judgment. When they seem edgy or critical, we take offense, convinced they’re targeting us personally. But how often do we pause to consider that something deeper might be at play beneath the surface?

Now, imagine if you had X-ray glasses for your marriage—an extraordinary tool that allowed you to see beyond the surface of daily interactions, misunderstandings, and frustrations. These glasses wouldn’t magnify flaws but would reveal hidden strengths, unspoken fears, and your partner’s deeper needs. They’d uncover vulnerabilities your spouse might be afraid to share, the tender or wounded places that need healing, and opportunities for connection often buried beneath the busyness of life.

While no such magical glasses exist, we do have the next best thing: questions. Thoughtful, well-timed, and gentle questions are like X-ray glasses for your marriage. They help you see beyond the initial scowl, complaint, or snarky remark to uncover what’s really going on. What’s beneath that frustration? What’s fuelling that sharp tone? What need or fear is hiding behind that criticism?

The key is not to be fooled by what you see on the surface. Instead, approach your spouse with curiosity and compassion, using questions to explore the deeper layers of their emotions and experiences. By doing so, you’ll not only gain clarity but also strengthen the connection and understanding between you.

**X-RAY QUESTIONS**

*Q*: It feels like there might be something you are struggling with. Can you tell me about it?

*Q: What is the best way I can support and help you right now?*

*Q: Is there a fear or insecurity you’re wrestling with that I might not see?*

*Q: Is there something I have done – or not done – that’s making you feel unseen or unsupported?*

*Q: What is one way I can make you feel more loved and cherished right now?*

Questions like these are remarkably powerful and help us see what is going on below the surface.  If you are looking for more probing questions check out the [Fuel & Spark Questions](https://relationshiprocket.org/resources/fuel-and-spark-questions) or [217 Doors ](https://relationshiprocket.org/resources/217-doors)in the resource section of our website.

**FUEL & SPARK**

Q: How often do you pause to consider what might be beneath your spouse’s surface emotions before reacting?

Q: What practical steps are you taking to ensure you’re responding with curiosity and compassion rather than defensiveness?

Q: How often do you proactively ask your spouse what they need from you to feel loved, supported, or understood?

Subscribe for a fresh weekly Blog Article to your inbox [here](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)!

Unlocking the ability to understand your spouse like never before!

X-Ray Glasses for Your Marriage

For many, Valentine’s Day—the annual celebration of love, chocolates, and overpriced roses—appears to be losing its appeal. Recent reports suggest that the tradition of observing February 14th is facing an existential crisis. 

According to Boston University, the number of Americans celebrating Valentine's Day has dropped from 62% in 2009, to 52% in 2022. In Canada, it's reported that the number of Canadians planning to celebrate Valentine’s Day has dropped by 9 percentage points in the last year.

What’s behind this love drought? Are couples pushing back against the relentless commercialization of romance? Has the swipe-right culture deemed Valentine’s Day outdated? Or is the holiday undergoing a deeper philosophical unraveling? Whatever the reason, Valentine’s Day's charm seems to be fading like a bouquet of forgotten roses.

With Cupid’s arrows missing the mark more often, it begs the question: Where did this tradition even begin? As a Christian, is it something we should be celebrating?  Is Valentine’s Day a beautiful expression of love, a hollow routine, or a pagan tradition with a dark history?

### FAITH-BASED ROOTS

Valentine’s Day did not begin with roses and chocolates, but with the martyrdom of two men named Valentine—both executed for their unwavering faith. Valentine of Rome, a priest, was beheaded in 269 AD after defying Emperor Claudius II. He had attempted to convert the emperor to Christianity instead of renouncing his own. Similarly, Bishop Valentine of Terni was executed in 273 AD for refusing to compromise his devotion to Christ.

In the 5th century, the Catholic Church named February 14th as St. Valentine’s feast day. The Church was reclaiming it from the pagan festival of Lupercalia—a fertility rite featuring animal sacrifice and matchmaking rituals. It wasn’t until the 14th century that Geoffrey Chaucer’s poetry cemented the day’s link to romance. This sparked the tradition of love letters and, by the 1840s, the first commercial Valentine’s cards.

Today, Valentine’s Day is a far cry from its sacred roots, resembling Lupercalia more than the selfless devotion of the saints it meant to honor.

### SHOULD CHRISTIANS CELEBRATE VALENTINE’S DAY?

As with many traditions, opinions on Valentine’s Day are divided. Critics point to its pagan roots, its commercialization, its lack of Biblical mandate, and its focus on physical intimacy among unmarried couples. They may also argue that honoring a “saint” takes the focus off Christ. The day can also place unnecessary pressure on those who feel compelled to meet certain expectations.

Supporters embrace Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to celebrate love within the context of their faith. They acknowledge that most holidays—Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving—have complex, sometimes pagan origins, but those associations are in the past. They look to 1 Corinthians 10:23-24 and embrace their freedom in Christ to either celebrate or not, depending on personal conviction.

### SHOULD I CELEBRATE VALENTINE’S DAY?

In the end, Valentine’s Day—like many traditions—has evolved, shaped by history, culture, and personal choice. You may view it as a meaningful moment to honor love, a manufactured myth driven by commerce, or even a relic of pagan rituals, but its true significance lies in how we choose to engage with it. We each have the freedom to embrace or reject the day. After all, true love is not confined to a single day but is lived out in countless moments of care, kindness, and commitment every day of the year.

### 7 TIPS FOR CELEBRATING WELL!

If you choose to celebrate your partner and the love you share, consider these 7 tips:

1.	PLAN TOGETHER!
Unless one of you volunteers to take on the responsibility of planning, why not share the task of planning.  This can greatly reduce the unnecessary pressure on one spouse!

2.	FOCUS ON RELATIONSHIP, NOT PERFECTION!
Release the pressure of societal expectations for grand romantic gestures. Instead, focus on nurturing your relationship in ways that feel authentic to both of you. Celebrate what makes your bond unique.

3.	GIFT WITH THOUGHTFULNESS!
If you exchange gifts, aim for something that’s personal and meaningful rather than generic. A handwritten note, a thoughtful book, or a shared experience can speak volumes over a commercialized or cliché Valentine’s Day gift.

4.	LIMIT THE COMMERCIAL INFLUENCE! 
Instead of focusing on expensive gifts or extravagant dinners, choose to invest in experiences that matter. A homemade dinner, a walk in nature, or a day of quiet reflection can bring more joy and connection than something bought.

5.	FOCUS ON A DEEPER CONNECTION!
Take the opportunity to talk about your relationships: love languages, relationship goals, and ways to show affection. Open, honest communication can make the day more meaningful and build a deeper connection.

6.	AVOID THE COMPARISON TRAP!
Don’t measure your celebration against others. Social media can often paint an unrealistic picture of love and romance. Instead, celebrate your unique journey together and the love you share in your own way.

7.	MAKE EVERY DAY VALENTINE’S DAY!
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be the only day you celebrate love. True love is reflected in daily actions—whether through small gestures of kindness, being present, or prioritizing each other throughout the year. By shifting the focus from the commercial aspects to a celebration of authentic connection and care, Valentine’s Day can be a meaningful way to invest in your relationship.

### FUEL & SPARK

*Q: How do you personally feel about celebrating Valentine’s Day—do you see it as a valuable tradition, an obligation, or something else?*

*Q: Do you feel pressure or expectations around Valentine’s Day? If so, how can we approach it in a way that feels more authentic and enjoyable for both of us?*

*Q: What’s one way I can make you feel more deeply loved and valued in our everyday life?*


Valentine’s Day—love it or hate it, it’s packed with history, hype, and pressure. So do we celebrate, skip, or redefine it?

Rethinking Valentine’s Day: Cancel It or Reclaim It?

I’ve heard it a hundred times:  *“We’re done!  There is no hope!  We’re like oil and water!”* 

The announcement is delivered with a tone of finality and resolve.  There is no wiggle room.  Afterall, it is an irrefutable fact—oil and water do not mix.

However, when someone once made this statement to me as proof that their marriage was finished, a thought flashed through my mind that challenged the age-old truism.  Before I could stop myself I blurted, *“…but an engine can’t run without oil and water working together!”*

Dead silence.

## A NEW WAY OF UNDERSTANDING OIL AND WATER

Sensing an opening, I plowed down a road of thought I had never travelled before.

*“You are right—oil and water have very different qualities.  One is exceptionally skilled at drawing heat away and cooling.  The other is superb at reducing friction and causing parts to slide more smoothly.  If an engine only had oil, it would overheat for a lack of water.  On the other hand, if an engine only had water, it would seize up and stop working for a lack of oil.  However, when an engine has both oil and water, working together, appreciating the other’s unique contributions and qualities, it can run forever!”*

He hesitated so I dropped a new truism. *“It is far too easy to look at your differences and conclude that they are the reason you need to separate.  Maybe you need to see them as the very reason you need to stay together!   Sure you are different—as different as oil and water.  So, start appreciating each other for your differences and your engine will run forever!”*

In the end, he concluded he didn’t want to be partnered with "water"—so he went in search of someone new who would be "oil" just like him.

## RELATIONSHIP ROCKET FUEL

The Apostle Paul calls us to work together, leveraging our differences.  Rather than seeing them as a reason to fight and oppose each other, Pauls says, *“…(live) with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”* (Ephesians 4:2-3 ESV)   The Message version says, *“…pouring yourself out for each other in acts of love.”*

Oil, pouring himself out in acts of love for water.

Water, pouring herself out in acts of love for oil.

Oil and water, working together, celebrate how ridiculously opposite and radically different they are, making something work that would be impossible without the other.

If you have ever been tempted to use the cliché of oil and water as an excuse for just tolerating one another, or even parting, I want to challenge you to begin to frame your understanding of oil and water differently!

## PRACTICAL WAYS TO HELP MAKE IT WORK

*#1 COUNT YOUR COMMON BLESSINGS!* - Instead of focusing on your differences, take a pen and paper and list all the things you have in common.  Sure there are some differences, but I bet there are as many or more similarities.  Take time to focus on these and celebrate them.

*#2 BE YOUR PARTNERS BIGGEST FAN!* - Focus on what your partner enjoys or is good at and become their biggest fan!  You may have very little understanding or appreciation for Sudoku puzzles or golf or shopping, but you can find ways to cheer your partner on in their passion.  Get creative and get in their corner as you support what they love doing! 

*#3 DO SOMETHING THAT IS NEW FOR BOTH OF YOU!* – Find an activity or experience that neither of you are familiar with.  Laugh.  Fail.  Try again.  Learn.  Conquer it together.  It might be snorkelling or snowshoeing.  Pottery or pilates.  Perhaps it’s rock climbing or road biking, or one of a thousand other adventures.  The key is experiencing it for the first time – together!

*#4 ASK GREAT QUESTIONS!* – Sometimes I find myself conversing with people in diverse careers: a surgeon, an accountant, a computer engineer who designs systems for self-driving tractors, a female race car driver, a roofer, or a fighter pilot.  Even though I have zero experience in their area of expertise, I have learned to ask great question as I am determined to be more interested than interesting.  Asking great questions leads to great connections. 

Here are a few sample questions you could your spouse.  Try them out:

* What made you happy today?  Why?
* What is one personal dream you have…that you have been hesitant to tell me about?
* What is something you are afraid of?
* What are you pretty good at doing that other people don’t really know about?
* When do you feel most relaxed?

Regardless of how many differences you have, actions and questions like these will go a long way to strengthen the connection you share.

## FUEL & SPARK

Q: In what ways are you and your partner different?  List as many as you can and own them!

Q: Are you more likely to see your differences as a reason to oppose the other or are you more likely to celebrate your differences?

Q: Which of the four Practical Ways to Make it Work will you activate in an effort to strengthen your connection?

If you are interested in receiving our weekly Fuel & Spark eNewsletter with inspiration for your marriage, you can sign up right [here!](https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/1223681/143017109608203832/share)

The problems seem insurmountable.  The personalities incompatible.   Sometimes you simply need a new perspective to see the possibilities!

Oil and Water DO Mix!

Ninety-nine percent of the time, my wife Carolyn and I go to bed at the same time. This habit has served us well, as micro-connections happen in those final moments before drifting off to sleep.  However, Carolyn felt particularly tired the other night, and I was experiencing a burst of mental energy, so I stayed up.

An hour later, as I stood outside the door to our bedroom, I imagined myself to be the super-spy, Ethan Hunt of *Mission: Impossible.* "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make it from outside the bedroom into bed and under the covers without being detected or waking up the subject already asleep."

Knowing the noises that our bedroom door makes, I counter-intuitively pulled on the knob to release the pressure and turned it ever so slowly. It worked! The door silently unlatched. I tip-toed across the room, wisely sidestepping the one floorboard that always creaks, and made it to the edge of the bed.  Now came the most treacherous challenge―getting my body from an upright standing position to its place under the covers undetected. Like a skilled ninja, I slipped under the covers, barely disturbing them or the occupant already there. That is when I made a fatal mistake: I reached out and gently touched the subject’s back with my hand, rubbing it back and forth three times before coming to my senses and withdrawing my hand to my side of the bed.

As I drifted off to sleep, I thought, *"Why did I just do that? If the whole point of this exercise was to slip into bed undetected, why would I risk waking her by reaching out with a touch?"*

 The answer is simple: the blame lies with the somatosensory system!

## THE SOMATOSENSORY SYSTEM

*Somato* from the ancient Greek word for ‘body’, is paired with ‘sensory’ to give us ‘somatosensory,’ a word that means "the perception of sensory stimuli produced by the skin and internal organs." In short, our bodies are equipped with 5 million touch receptors under the skin. When disturbed or triggered, these touch receptors send messages up the spine and brain. The body's survival depends on these messages as the 5 million touch receptors constantly report to the brain what is happening in the environment beyond the skin.

Heat is often perceived as comfort and warmth, but when it becomes too intense, the brain quickly signals the body to escape. Pressure on the receptors can convey a wide range of messages, alerting the brain to potential danger, pleasure, opportunity, or aiding in the completion of tasks. Beyond these functional roles, the somatosensory system plays a profound part in fostering relationships.
Research reveals that touch profoundly impacts not only the body’s mechanical systems but also psychological well-being and emotional connection. Repeated, appropriate, respectful, and affectionate touch activates some of the body’s five million touch receptors, sending signals up the spine to the brain. But then something extraordinary occurs—those electrical impulses radiate outward, forming an invisible connection with another person.

In essence, these connections transform into trust, affection, security, and ultimately, the powerful sensation of love.

## A WHOLE LOT OF TOUCHING

When Carolyn and I watch the late-night news in bed, our feet find each other under the covers and touch.

When Carolyn and I are driving to pick up groceries, our hands find each other, meeting on the centre console and touch.

When Carolyn and I walk in a mall, our arms find each other, wrapping themselves around the other and touch.

When Carolyn or I walk into the house after a day apart, our lips find each other and touch.

When Carolyn and I are in the mood, we use our combined 10 million touch receptors, and there is a lot of touching that happens.

And when I slip into bed late at night, I can’t help myself―I need to send one final, silent message through a soft, barely perceptible yet hugely significant little touch.  But, enough about us.  Let’s talk about you and your partner:

## FUEL AND SPARK

Q: What is your touch story?  Do you touch as much as you used to, or has touch become a forgotten superpower?

Q: What kinds of affectionate touch send the most potent messages to your brain?  What kinds of affectionate touch send the most potent messages to your partner’s brain?  Do you know?  This would be a great topic of conversation.

Q: How could you use the rocket fuel of touch to spark a new surge of energy in your relationship?

Admittedly, the longer someone is married, the more they take the other for granted. Often, touch is one of the relationship superpowers that gets put on a shelf and begins to collect dust. If you have neglected the wonder and power of touch, it could take a bit of work (and patience) to get it back, but it will be worth the effort. Touch is one of the gateways to a better, stronger, and more dynamic relationship.



The surprisingly powerful effect of touch!

5 Million Ways to a Better Relationship!

Rocket Engineer

Recently, I delved into a fascinating study about the human brain and discovered some astounding facts. Our brains contain 86 billion neurons forming 100 trillion connections. Electrical and chemical signals zip through these pathways at incredible speeds, generating an estimated 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts daily. Remarkably, studies show that 95% of these thoughts are the same as the day before, and 70-80% are negative. Each day, we tread familiar mental trails, creating what can be described as ruts in our thought patterns.

## The Power of a Rut

Ruts worn many years ago and over long periods of time dictate the roads we travel. Consider the solid rocket boosters of the space shuttle—engineering marvels that propelled the shuttle into orbit. These boosters, weighing nearly 1.3 million pounds, burned for 124 seconds to lift the shuttle 26 miles above Earth before detaching. They were 126 feet tall and 12 feet in diameter. Why 12 feet? Not because it was optimal but because they had to be transported by train, restricted by the width of North American railway tracks that are 4 feet, 8.5 inches apart.

Why are the train tracks this wide? American railroads adopted the British standard, which was based on wagon-building practices established before the rail system. And why were wagons built to that width? Because it matched the ruts carved into ancient Roman roads by chariots. And why did the Romans build their chariots with that wheel separation? Because that was the width of two horses butts.

Over 2,000 years ago, the dimensions of Roman chariots set a precedent that still influences modern transportation. A seemingly small decision became a deeply entrenched rut, shaping history for millennia.

The same principle applies to marriage. The thoughts we repeatedly entertain create mental ruts, shaping how we perceive and interact with our spouse. These ruts can either propel us forward or hold us back, depending on their direction.

## The Ruts in Marriage

If you believe your spouse will *never* change, you’ll likely interpret their actions through that lens, reinforcing the belief. This rut becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, stifling growth and hope. Similarly, if you constantly think, “I’m always the one making sacrifices,” resentment can build, even when your spouse makes genuine efforts.

Here are some common mental ruts in marriage:

Financial worries: “We’ll never get out of debt.” This thought can lead to hopelessness and discourage teamwork.

Communication struggles: “We just don’t understand each other.” Believing this can cause you to stop trying to communicate effectively.

Parenting conflicts: “I’m the only one who cares about discipline.” This mindset fosters division rather than partnership.

These thought patterns aren’t harmless; they dictate the road you travel in your relationship.

## Renewing the Mind

Romans 12:2-3 encourages us: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

This Scripture highlights the transformative power of our thoughts. In marriage, our mindset often becomes the “ruts” that dictate the direction of our relationship, much like Roman chariots influenced modern engineering.

Here are practical steps to renew your mindset:

**Identify the Rut:** Pay attention to recurring negative thoughts about your spouse or marriage. Write them down. For example, if you often think, “They don’t appreciate me,” acknowledge this as a mental rut.

**Challenge the Thought:** Ask yourself, “Is this true? Is this helpful?” Reflect on moments when your spouse has shown appreciation or made positive changes.

**Replace with Truth:** Replace limiting thoughts with affirmations rooted in God’s Word. Instead of “They’ll never change,” declare, “God is working in both of us to bring about growth and transformation” (Philippians 1:6).

**Practice Gratitude:** Shift your focus by listing three things you’re grateful for about your spouse daily. Gratitude reshapes your mindset and creates positive ruts.

**Seek God Together:** Pray as a couple, inviting God to renew your minds and align your thoughts with His will. Shared spiritual practices strengthen unity and transform perspectives.

## Building New Roads

Imagine if George Stephenson, the "Father of Railroads," had ignored the Roman ruts and built wider tracks. He might have revolutionized transportation sooner. Similarly, you can break free from limiting mindsets and build new roads for your marriage.

If you believe, “We can grow closer,” you’ll look for opportunities to connect. If you think, “We’re a team,” you’ll approach challenges with unity. When your thoughts align with God’s truth, your marriage becomes a reflection of His design—filled with love, grace, and purpose.

The ruts you allow in your mind today will shape the road you travel tomorrow. Choose your ruts wisely. 

## Fuel & Spark

Q: What recurring thought patterns do you think are creating ruts in our marriage, and how can we work together to reshape them?

Q: What’s one positive *rut* or habit we’ve developed in our relationship that you’d like to strengthen, and why?

Q: If we could build a "new road" in our marriage starting today, what would it look like, and what’s one small step we can take to begin paving it?


The ruts we wear in our minds determine the road our marriage will travel!

RELATIONSHIP ROCKET

FUEL & SPARK
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5 Million Ways to a Better Relationship!

Marriage Ruts and How to Get Out of Them!

FUEL & SPARK.css-ly8voj{font-weight:400;font-size:var(--chakra-fontSizes-5xl);line-height:110%;text-align:center;}@media screen and (min-width: 30em){.css-ly8voj{font-size:var(--chakra-fontSizes-6xl);}}@media screen and (min-width: 48em){.css-ly8voj{font-size:var(--chakra-fontSizes-7xl);}}BLOG

5 Reasons Your Marriage is Stuck!

The 10 Second Conflict Solving Hack!

Stop Being So Darn Predictable!

What Husbands Really Want!

Relationship Reboot - Part 4 – Boredom & Ruts!

Relationship Reboot - Part 3 – Mind Reading!

Relationship Reboot - Part 2 – First Impressions!

Relationship Reboot - Part 1: Conflict

Surviving the Rainy Days!

One Little Word That Will Revolutionize Your Relationship!

The 7 Marriage Mistakes Most Couples Make!

How Much Sex Do You Actually Need?

5 Conversations Couples Avoid - But Shouldn't!

Help! I Can't Breathe!

Make it a Habit!

Why We Get Annoyed!

Could AI Ruin Your Marriage?

7 Power Phrases for Your Marriage!

X-Ray Glasses for Your Marriage

Rethinking Valentine’s Day: Cancel It or Reclaim It?

Oil and Water DO Mix!

5 Million Ways to a Better Relationship!

Marriage Ruts and How to Get Out of Them!

FUEL & SPARK
BLOG