Top 10 Greatest Marriage Plays: #7 and 6

It has probably happened to you a hundred times, but it’s hard to even pinpoint when it started. There wasn’t a painted line on the floor that you knowingly stepped over, no warning buzzer, and no referee blowing a whistle to signal that something had just shifted. And yet…somewhere in the middle of an ordinary moment, it did.

A comment came out a little sharper than you intended, like a body check you didn’t see coming.

A small mistake suddenly put you on the defensive.

Maybe an unspoken expectation was missed, and now something feels off.

Before you can even slow it down, the tone changes. You are no longer moving toward each other…you’re reacting and drifting apart.

And almost without realizing it, you’ve both picked up a stone.

Not a literal one, of course, but words, tone, posture, silence…whatever you tend to reach for when you feel hurt, misunderstood, or exposed. And in that moment, the relationship subtly shifts from connection to conflict.

These next two plays are going to teach skills needed for moments just like these.

QUICK REVIEW

Last week, we introduced three foundational plays:

#10 - Choose Your Team

#9 - Pursue Your Player

#8 - Bring Your Brick.

Each of them helps a marriage move in the right direction by building alignment, maintaining connection, and reinforcing the small, daily investments that create something strong over time.

But every couple eventually runs into moments that those plays alone don’t fully address. Moments when something goes wrong. When emotions rise. When tension replaces ease and understanding. Moments when it would be very easy to drift into defensiveness, distance, or damage.

This week, we move into two plays that shape the emotional climate of a marriage.

🏀 #7 — Play With Grace

A number of years ago, I found what I confidently called “the perfect boat”, which for me means it was only twelve hours away with a seized engine. Carolyn was not convinced and far less enthusiastic.

After hauling it home and recruiting some mechanic friends to help rebuild it. I mostly held the flashlight, but they did let me tighten the oil drain plug as the final step before launching it on the water.

As we launched the boat, Carolyn was genuinely excited. We took off across the water, and within minutes the engine started knocking, smoke poured out the back, and Carolyn was paddling what was supposed to be “the ride of her life” back to shore.

The next day, I listed the boat for sale, with a ‘blown engine’. A mechanic bought it and, before dragging it away, asked, ‘You do know why the engine blew, right?” I confessed I did not.

“Whoever installed the drain plug didn’t tighten it. It vibrated out and all the oil drained.”

The boat left and I turned and braced myself for the “I told you so!” The “why don’t you ever listen to me?” The, “You always bite off more than you can chew.” Instead, Carolyn simply smiled and said, “My… the adventures you get yourself into.” In a moment where she could have thrown a stone, she chose grace, and it changed everything.

That phrase actually came from a story by John Gray. He tells of flying to Sweden for a speaking engagement, with his wife repeatedly asking, “Did you remember your passport?” Confident and slightly annoyed, he assured her that, of course, he had, only to discover, during his layover in New York, that he hadn’t. With no options left, he called her, fully expecting frustration or a lecture. Instead, she responded calmly, “My… the adventures you get yourself into,” and immediately went to work solving the problem. No shame, no condemnation…just grace.

She was stating that the relationship was more valuable than the mistake.

DROP THE STONES

In John 8 we read of a moment when a woman who had stepped out of bounds was dragged in front of the religious leaders after being caught in adultery. According to the law, she deserved to be stoned, and the crowd stood ready with rocks in their hands. Trying to trap Jesus, they asked what he would say. Instead of answering right away, he bent down and wrote in the dirt. Then he stood up and said, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone.” One by one, the crowd walked away until no one was left. Jesus looked at the woman and said, “Neither do I condemn you…go and leave your life of sin.” In a moment filled with accusation and shame, Jesus didn’t deny the wrongdoing, but he chose grace over condemnation.

The strongest marriages are not the ones where people never mess up. They are the ones where two people have learned how to drop the stones and offer grace instead.

🏀 #6 — Use Your Words

If playing with grace shapes how we respond in difficult moments, using our words shapes the relationship every single day.

Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly speaking into our marriage.

On average, people use over 100,000 words a week. That’s a lot of words!

And Scripture gives us a remarkably clear framework for understanding what those words are doing:

“Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” — Proverbs 18:21 (The Message)

Our words are not neutral. They are either building something…or slowly eroding it.

The words we speak don’t simply skim across the surface of a relationship. They search for openings. They find the places where your spouse is already tired, already insecure, already wondering if they’re enough, and they settle there.

Over time, those words either bring life to those places…or they deepen the cracks.

But most of us default to using words in ways that are to our benefit.

We explain. We defend. We justify. We try to win.

But the words that bring life are selfless. They sound more like… * “I’m proud of you.” “Thank you for that.” “I see how hard you’re trying.” “I’m on your side.” “I believe in you.”*

A few well-chosen words may feel small, but over time, they are anything but.

The Playbook This week adds two more essential plays to our playbook:

#7 Play with grace

#6 Use your words

One protects the relationship when things break down.

The other strengthens it in the everyday rhythm of life.

Together, they help create a championship marriage.

Fuel & Spark

Q: When something goes wrong, do we tend to throw stones or extend grace?

Q: Do my words lately feel more life-giving or more discouraging?

Q: What phrase from me has meant the most to you over the years?

Q: Which phrase do you wish you heard more often?

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