Many couples don’t hit the wall of disenchantment until a year or more into marriage. Carolyn and I didn’t wait that long. We hit it before the wedding.

We were three months into our engagement when we joined some Bible college friends for a road trip. At a gas station stop, the other couple ran inside for snacks, leaving Carolyn and me alone in the backseat. Tensions had already been simmering. I said something that landed wrong, and she responded by launching the engagement ring I’d given her—straight at my head.

I ducked.

The ring landed in a pile of winter slush on the floor of the car.

I retrieved it, wiped it off, and, somehow, slipped it back onto her finger. But that moment left a mark. It was the first visible crack in the glass of enchantment, and just the beginning of a longer story.

FROM ENCHANTMENT TO DISENCHANTMENT

Fast forward a few months. We were on our honeymoon, basking in the majestic beauty of the Canadian Rockies. Picture perfect. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, Carolyn called her mom. It was a totally innocent act, but it triggered something irrational in me. I felt hurt, annoyed, even rejected. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I had brought a suitcase full of unspoken expectations into marriage.

What we didn’t realize at the time was that these little moments of disenchantment would pale in comparison to the Valley of Disenchantment we would go through between years five to seven.

THE 3 STAGES OF EVERY RELATIONSHIP

Thankfully, we had a wise premarital counselor who helped prepare us for disenchantment—that season when the magic fades, emotions dull, and you start asking hard questions about what you’ve signed up for.

They taught us that most relationships need to go through three stages:

1. The Enchantment Stage – This is the honeymoon phase: emotional highs, infatuation, attraction. You’re convinced the other person is perfect—or at least perfect for you.

2. The Disenchantment Stage – Welcome to the valley. Emotions dip. Expectations clash. The very traits that once felt magnetic now feel maddening: His spontaneity now seems irresponsible. Her organization feels like control. His calmness feels lazy. Her precision becomes nitpicking.

3. The Maturity Stage – This is where love gets real. It’s no longer a fantasy or feeling. It’s built on commitment, resilience, and grace.

But here’s the secret: You cannot reach the Maturity Stage without traveling through the Valley of Disenchantment.

WHEN THE ROLLER COASTER STALLS

Unlike a thrill ride at an amusement park that quickly climbs after the drop, marriages sometimes get stuck at the bottom. The adrenaline fades. The momentum dies. The spark goes cold.

Disillusionment creeps in. Sarcasm replaces kindness. Closeness feels claustrophobic. And eventually, a sign appears at the exit: “You married the wrong person.”

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: You probably did! Not because you chose poorly, but because there is no perfect person. The myth of “finding your soulmate” has done more harm than good.

Marriage isn’t about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person.

FINDING THE GREEN BUTTON

We like to picture The Valley of Disenchantment like a rollercoaster ride. At the bottom of this particular ride of disenchantment, deep in the valley where relationships stall, you will find a green button. It offers a choice: get off the ride and walk out of the valley in separate directions or hit the green button and keep going. Hitting the green button is a sign you are wanting to journey through The Valley of Disenchantment and eventually begin climbing out the other side.

Couples who metaphorically hit the green button are saying,* ‘we will figure this out’. ‘This is a natural stage. No need to panic. If we continue investing in our relationship, believing the best in the other and trusting the process, we WILL make it out the other side!’*

It’s easy to romanticize the ride up and fear the plunge down. But the couples who find themselves in *The Valley of Disenchantment * go in search of the green button, eventually enter the third and most rewarding stage: maturity.

THIS ISN’T NEW

Jesus spoke directly to this idea. Writing to the church in Ephesus, He says: “I have this complaint against you. You don’t love Me or each other as you did at first. Look how far you’ve fallen! Turn back to Me and do the works you did at first.” (Revelation 2:4–5)

Jesus names the drift, but doesn’t shame it. Instead, He calls for a return. A re-choosing. A press of the green button.

DETOX YOUR DISENCHANTMENT

If your marriage feels stalled, strained, or stuck, you’re not alone. And you’re not doomed. Disenchantment isn’t the end of love. It’s the beginning of a deeper kind of love.

You can grow through it—if you choose to.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: What do you remember most fondly about our “Enchantment Stage”? How can we recapture a small piece of that wonder today?

Q: What expectations did we bring into marriage that might have gone unspoken or unmet? Can we talk about those honestly?

Q: What simple “green button” could we press this week? A gesture, a rhythm, a phrase, an action, a practice that will move us toward maturity.

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