Carolyn and I have been married nearly 40 years, and we’ve seen it happen more times than we can count: marriages where one spouse slowly pulls back, hearts drift apart, and yet everyone keeps “going through the motions.” No shouting matches. No dramatic walkouts. Just quiet withdrawal that eats away at connection.

MEGAN & RYAN

When Megan first married Ryan, she loved his energy. He made her laugh, planned surprises, and swept her into spontaneous adventures. Their evenings were full of stories, music, and dreams.

But slowly, Ryan’s focus shifted to work, fantasy football, and endless scrolling. Conversations shrank to quick updates. When Megan hinted she missed him, he felt attacked. When she tried to reignite the spark, he seemed disinterested. She stopped trying.

Now, dinner is silent. Megan distracts herself with podcasts, wine, and late-night scrolling. Outwardly, she’s married; inwardly, she’s given up. She no longer fights for the marriage, believing there’s nothing left to fight for.

CHRIS & LAUREN

Chris once adored Lauren’s ambition, her drive, creativity, and passion inspired him. They dreamed of building life and chasing goals together.

But over time, Lauren’s passion turned sharp. Every suggestion Chris made was dismissed, every effort corrected. He fought at first, like a man gasping for air. Then he stopped.

Chris is committed, but he has lost the ability to dream. He goes through the motions, work, kids, chores, while keeping his heart locked away. Intimacy feels mechanical. He’s there in body, but his heart is distant. Quietly, he’s quit, and the worst part is that Lauren hasn’t even noticed.

IT STARTED ON TIKTOK

The term ‘Quiet Quitting’ went viral in 2022 when a TikTok video described employees doing only what was required of them at work, with no extra time, effort, or enthusiasm. It sounded new and trendy, but in reality, it was just a fresh label for an old behavior: disengagement.

Today, the latest employment surveys suggest more than half of North American workers can be described as “quiet quitters”! Some see quiet quitting as a timely movement of employees pushing back against the unrealistic demands of their employers. They argue they are just healthy boundaries. Others condemned “quiet quitters” as lazy workers drunk on entitlement. But everyone seemed to agree, ‘quiet quitting’ is real.

QUIETLY QUITTING YOUR MARRIAGE

The term ‘Quiet Quitters” has migrated from the boardroom and HR departments and is now applied to other areas of life like our friendships, parenting, and even marriage. While not many spouses march out of the living room one evening and announce, “I quit,” far too many slowly withdraw, settle for the bare minimum, and stop investing with the same heart and energy they once did. So, let’s pause and ask three crucial questions:

1. Why do people quietly quit their marriages?
2. What are the warning signs that it’s happening?
3. And most importantly, what can be done to address it, restore connection, and rebuild the marriage?

#1 WHY DO PEOPLE QUIETLY QUIT THEIR MARRIAGES?

1. Avoiding difficult issues Confronting problems in a marriage can feel risky, exhausting, or uncomfortable. Rather than face the challenge, some quietly disengage, thinking it’s easier to coast than to tackle what’s wrong.

2. Burnout Marriage requires energy, intentional effort, and a whole lot of emotional investment. Constant stress, repetitive conflicts, or feeling “taken for granted” can drain a spouse, leading to emotional withdrawal.

3. Hopelessness Quiet quitting often stems from believing that change is impossible. When hope fades, disengagement may feel like the only way to survive day-to-day life in the marriage.

4. Feeling stuck in routines Kids, work, church, chores, finances, friends and house maintenance all naturally blend into routines and a growing snowball of obligations. When life feels overwhelmingly busy or repetitive, some may emotionally disengage as a coping mechanism for the monotony and pressure.

5. Lack of appreciation Feeling undervalued or unappreciated can push a spouse to withdraw emotionally instead of continually seeking affirmation, creating distance over time.

6. Feeling unimportant or ignored Beyond simple appreciation, when one’s thoughts, feelings, or desires seem invisible, commitment can slowly erode. Quiet quitting can become a form of self-protection.

7. Unmet emotional or intimacy needs If emotional connection or intimacy is lacking, a marriage can feel transactional or superficial. Without attention to these needs, spouses may feel suffocated by a lack of intimacy oxygen.

8. Personal growth outpacing the relationship When one partner changes or grows faster than the relationship accommodates, they may emotionally pull back. This isn’t about leaving; it’s often an internal distancing as they struggle to reconcile growth with the current dynamic.

9. Resentment Unresolved disappointments, betrayals, or unmet expectations can fester. Instead of addressing these feelings, some silently disengage while remaining physically present.

10. Emotional self-preservation Sometimes, quiet quitting is simply a defense mechanism. A spouse may withdraw emotionally to protect themselves from repeated hurt, abusive behavior, disappointment, or exhaustion, fearful of what might happen if they expose what’s really going on.

#2 WHAT ARE THE WARNING SIGNS OF QUIET QUITTING?

Quiet quitting is tricky. A spouse who is quietly quitting will point to all the ways they are still showing up, but these are only meeting basic obligations. The deeper connection and commitment that define a thriving marriage begin to fade. Common signs include:

1. Decreased communication – Meaningful conversations disappear. Small talk replaces discussions about feelings, plans, or important decisions. Conflicts may be avoided altogether.

2. Emotional distance – Affection, physical intimacy, and verbal affirmations diminish. Empathy and concern for each other’s emotional well-being may fade.

3. Scaling back involvement – Your spouse may reduce participation in household chores, parenting, or shared responsibilities, leaving more for you.

4. Lack of future planning – Conversations about vacations, goals, or long-term plans are vague or avoided.

5. Social or personal withdrawal – More time is spent alone, with friends, or on hobbies, often excluding you. Private behavior around phone, social media, or outings may increase.

6. Apathy or negativity – Interest in shared activities declines. Irritability or indifference toward the marriage becomes common.

7. Reduced physical intimacy – Kissing, hugging, or sexual intimacy may become rare or stop entirely.

8. Fantasizing or daydreaming about life apart – Thoughts about being single or with someone else can indicate emotional disengagement.

9. Persistent fatigue or low motivation – Lack of energy for activities you once enjoyed together, or general disinterest in life outside obligations.

10. Signs of unresolved resentment – Frequent arguments about the same issues, distrust, or viewing each other as the enemy.

REALITY CHECK

Carolyn and I will be the first to admit that we’ve both been guilty of a few of these behaviors at one time or another. If you notice one or two in yourself or your spouse, don’t panic, and don’t rush to slap the label “Quiet Quitter” on anyone. But if several signs keep showing up consistently, that’s usually a signal to have a calm, honest conversation, or to seek professional help, to get your marriage back on track.

And beware! Hopelessness is a sneaky enemy! It creeps in and silently tries to suffocate your hope. That’s why it’s so important to keep your heart anchored in God’s Word. Carolyn and I have often found strength in this verse: “Love is patient, love is kind… it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). The love God places in your heart is intentional, powerful, and determined. It finds hope in a power far greater than itself, even when loving feels hard.

#3 WHAT CAN BE DONE TO ADDRESS, RESTORE, AND REBUILD?

Quiet quitting a marriage doesn’t fix itself. Restoring it takes intention, honesty, and sometimes a little outside help. Here are some strategic steps you can take:

1. Look in the mirror first – Figure out what’s bugging you, what’s making you pull back, and what would make your marriage feel alive again. You can’t fix what you don’t understand. Take some time to journal your thoughts.

2. Talk without attacking – Pick a relaxed and uninterrupted time, and share what’s going on inside you. Use “I feel…” and “I think…” instead of blaming. Keep it simple, keep it honest.

3. Listen like your marriage depends on it – Because it does. Let your spouse talk without cutting in. Really try to hear where they’re coming from. It’s just as important as getting your own point across.

4. Reconnect on purpose – Don’t wait for magic. Small gestures, planned date nights, shared hobbies, a new experience, a hug, a kind word, an unexpected text or note…all of it adds up. Consistency in the little things beats grand gestures every time.

5. Get help when you need it – Don’t be afraid to get some help sorting this out! A counselor or marriage coach can give you tools and space to work through the tough stuff safely.

Quiet quitting doesn’t have to mark the end of your marriage. It’s a signal, a wake-up call, that intentional love, honest communication, and a little help can bring hearts back home. We’ve seen it work time and again: when both spouses choose to show up, even a dormant marriage can come alive again.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: Am I showing up in my marriage, or just going through the motions?

Q: Am I seeing any of the Warning Signs in my spouse or in my own life? Which ones?

Q: When was the last time we had a really honest, calm, meaningful check-in? Did we each walk away feeling heard or something different?

Q: What small, intentional actions could I take this week to reconnect?

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