For years, James and Evelyn dreamed of a quiet country retreat where they could retire and grow old together. When they finally found it in the Carolinas, it seemed perfect: a wraparound porch with a swing, a workshop for tinkering, and wide-open pastures where grandkids could run and play.

The house was only 13 years old, and though the inspection felt like an unnecessary expense, Evelyn insisted. Everything checked out. With their hearts full of confidence, they signed the papers.

Their first night in their new home felt like a dream come true. But by morning, the dream had turned into a nightmare. Overnight, the kitchen floor had sagged nearly nine inches in the centre. Floor tiles shattered like broken pottery, and a faint musty smell hung in the air.

When contractors pried up the floorboards, the truth was exposed: every joist and beam had been hollowed out by termites! An unseen army had been feasting in silence. What was meant to be James and Evelyn’s haven of peace had collapsed before it ever truly began.

NOT MUCH FOR CONSPIRACY THEORIES

I’m not the type to think every house is destined for termites. I don’t go chasing demons behind every difficulty, and I’m not one to fall for every conspiracy theory that comes along. But I do believe there are unseen forces at work: forces that can quietly eat away at the foundations of our marriages if we’re not paying attention.

A TERMITE CALLED ‘ALGORITHM’

I’m certainly no expert when it comes to social media or technology, yet I can almost hear the munch-munch-munch of the little electronic termites chewing away at our lives and relationships.

In just over a decade, social media has shifted from being a fun and novel way to keep up with friends to a powerful force shaping how we view the world, think and connect. On the surface, it looks harmless with its opportunity for likes, shares, and comments. But beneath it all, hidden in the background, are algorithms deciding what we see, when we see it, and how we engage.

And those invisible systems aren’t neutral. They are highly motivated.

SIMPLE MATH

Let’s break this down as simply as possible. The five largest social media platforms are together valued at around $3 trillion. Their revenue comes almost entirely from advertisers willing to pay for your attention. The more time you spend scrolling, the more ads you see, and the more money they make. So what’s their core goal? To keep you and me on their platforms just a little longer. How do they do that? By feeding us posts, images, and content that are tailor-made unique interests, values, dreams, and deep desires.

When it’s cat videos or dogs doing ridiculous tricks, it all feels harmless enough. But the algorithms don’t stop there. They know we hold deeper convictions, opinions, and emotion-charged values. That’s where the real profit lies. They feed on these. They stroke our ego. Stoke our emotions. Shape our perception of social consensus. Give evidence of how our perspective is right. Create an enemy of those who think differently. And in the process, make billions more.

USER BEWARE: THE ALGORITHMIC TERMITES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

I’m by no means anti-social media. But I do think we need to be aware: our minds, our hearts, and even our marriages can be impacted by a kind of algorithmic termite that subtly, invisibly, but quietly reshapes our interactions, expectations, and emotions.

Algorithmic termites are not always obvious on the surface or upon first inspection. You need to look a little deeper. Yet here is some of the damage they can do to your marriage:

Twists What We See

Social media isn’t just harmless fun. The apps are built to keep us scrolling, showing us posts that make us laugh, feel good, or agree with us. Over time, all this can distort how we see the world and, in turn, how we see our marriage and relationships.

The Comparison Trap

One of the most well-documented effects of social media is comparison. When we constantly see curated versions of others’ romantic relationships, friendships, or family life, our own relationships can start to feel inadequate. Even when we know these are highlight reels, repeated exposure chips away at contentment, subtly planting dissatisfaction.

Amplifying Conflict and Agitation

Algorithms prioritize content that sparks strong emotional reactions like outrage, fear, or defensiveness. Couples may find themselves absorbing these subtle cues, which can produce mood swings, arguments and disagreements.

Eroding Empathy & Patience

Scrolling endless curated content can desensitize us. Algorithms reward emotional hits, not meaningful engagement. Over time, they train our emotions to be less patient or empathic towards the people around us.

Normalizing Unrealistic Expectations

Exposure to curated trends, appearances, wealth, experiences or relationship norms can subtly shift subconscious expectations, creating tension when reality doesn’t match the “perfect” versions we see online.

The Illusion of Connection

Algorithms can make us feel connected, but much of that connection is superficial. It’s easy for a spouse to get caught up in a private world of likes, shares, and comments that start to feel more meaningful than the real relationship right in front of them.

Reduced Face-to-Face Time

All that scrolling comes at a cost: less time and attention for each other. Even when you’re in the same room, phones and social media can distract from real conversation, shared laughter, or meaningful moments together.

Time Stealers

Social media doesn’t just take seconds here and there; it steals hours without you noticing. Those minutes add up, leaving less energy for date nights, heart-to-heart talks, or just being fully present with your spouse.

Distracting from Shared Goals

When attention is pulled in a hundred directions, there’s little room for big-picture conversations like planning for the future, checking in on dreams, discussing finances, or nurturing family priorities. Scrolling becomes a subtle thief of shared vision.

All of these erode your relationship so a corporation can make more money from its advertisers.

TERMITES, DETOURS AND YEAST

The apostle Paul warned the Galatian church that there were subtle, unseen forces working to draw them away from the path God had marked out for them, so he issued this warning:

You were running superbly! Who cut in on you, deflecting you from the true course of obedience? This detour doesn’t come from the One who called you into the race in the first place. And please don’t toss this off as insignificant. It only takes a minute amount of yeast, you know, to permeate an entire loaf of bread. Galatians 5:7-10 (MSG)

So, how can a couple ensure the algorithmic termites aren’t eating away at their relationship?

Here are a few practical relationship fumigation strategies:

MARK PHONE-FREE ZONES: Pick certain times or spaces where devices are off-limits so you can actually focus on each other.

NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE POSTED. Decide together what’s okay to share publicly and what should stay between you two. This creates deeper intimacy.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR TRIGGERS. If scrolling makes you insecure or anxious, step back and reflect on why it’s affecting you.

AUDIT YOUR SCROLLING TIME. Minutes add up! Be aware of small habits that quietly steal attention from each other.

INVEST IN REAL-WORLD CONNECTION. Prioritize date nights, long talks, and shared activities over online engagement.

REMEMBER IT’S ALL HIGHLIGHT REELS. What you see online is curated, not reality. Don’t let it set the bar for your own relationship.

NO SECRETS. Monitor your own heart. Are you living with secret connections that stroke your ego or stir your emotions? Resist the lure of the connections and emotions that take you away from your spouse.

REMEMBER YOU ARE FINANCING SOMEONE’S FORTUNE. Your emotions, thoughts and desires are being manipulated so that someone else can become wealthy. You are being played. Never forget this!

James and Evelyn couldn’t go back and inspect what was already destroyed, but you can still protect your foundation before it’s too late.

FUEL & SPARK

Q: Which of the nine types of damage the ‘termites’ can do to a relationship might be threatening your marriage?

Q: Do you compare your relationship to the highlight reels you see online? How does that affect your contentment?

Q: Are secret online interactions or private scrolling habits slowly eroding trust between you and your spouse?

Q: Which of the practical fumigation strategies could help strengthen your marriage?

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